The Gimcrack Miscellany

A Bunch of Beratings At Once! A Gaggle Of Them!

Posted on 01. Sep, 2009 by The Gimcracker in Beratings, Movies

Did you know a gaggle only refers to geese on the ground? In the air they’re referred to as a skein. I don’t know why I told you that. Maybe you should Twitter it you twidiot¹. I don’t always have time to Berate a movie after I’ve seen it because I have a job and a wife and there’s beer to be drunk and I’m too busy retweeting about Conan episodes that make fun of Twitter. J/k, what is a retweet? Is it something? Because I think I’ve heard of it. So I’ve decided that I still want to have a record of my reaction to movies I’ve seen even if I don’t have the time to write a full Berating, and in doing so I have made up my second new word of this blog post: Briefratings². And you’re about to get a gaggle of them and agree with everything I write as usual. (I’ll do whatever I have to do to get you to comment on TGM).

Here’s a refresher on the Beratings scale:

0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

And now for the Beratings. These are not in any particular order:

Taken

Acting – No Beratings. Good acting job by Liam Neeson, as always.

Plot – 1 Berating. A guy’s daughter gets kidnapped, he goes and gets her back. Been done way too many times.

Inconsistencies – 1 Beratings. A very sophisticated and deep-running human trafficking operation was uncovered. And nobody cares.

Unbelievable Events – 2 Beratings. A guy kills people and blows up stuff in multiple countries and does whatever he wants and nothing happens to him. No arrests. No injuries. Only three people can do that: Jason Bourne, Chuck Norris, and James Bond, and they already have movies.

Schematics – No Beratings. Good action shots and tense atmosphere.

4/10 Beratings = See it at the dollar-fifty

The Fast & The Furious: Tokyo Drift

Acting – 2 Beratings. Lucas Black is capable of only one facial expression: sullen.

Plot – 2 Beratings. I was 5 steps ahead of this movie the entire time.

Inconsistencies – No Beratings. At least the movie knows what its demographic wants, and it consistently gives it to them.

Unbelievable Events – 2 Beratings. A guy can’t learn to drift that well that fast. The same guy can’t wreck peoples’ cars and not face any real consequences. None of the characters react the way a real person would react to any of the situations presented.

Schematics – 1 Berating. Why is it always 2 in the morning? Isn’t there sunlight in Tokyo?!

7/10 Beratings = Watch it on TV

Luckily that’s exactly what I did. Let me just say that at least it’s better than Gone In 60 Suckonds.

Defiance

Acting – No Beratings. Daniel Craig and Liev Schreiber were amazing.

Plot – No Beratings. Had me on the edge of my seat. Besides if I said the plot was bad I would be saying real life is bad since this is based on true events.

Inconsistencies – No Beratings.

Unbelievable Events – No Beratings. Once again, this really happened.

Schematics – No Beratings. Haven’t seen a film like this in a long time.

0/10 Beratings = Stand in line for the very first showing

Ghost Rider

Acting – 2 Beratings. Nick Cage was not good. Neither was anyone else.

Plot – 2 Beratings. Baaaaaad plot.

Inconsistencies – 1 Berating. I don’t remember what it was, but I can assure you someone does something inconsistent with their character at least once.

Unbelievable Events – 2 Beratings. Just watch 5 minutes and you’ll see what I mean.

Schematics – 2 Beratings. Unrealistic CGI, way too dark, bad soundtrack.

9/10 Beratings = Never watch it

Star Trek

Acting – No Beratings. I love no-name casts, especially when they perform this well. They won’t be no-name for long.

Plot – No Beratings. Although a little confusing and somewhat of a cop-out, it was very clever how they explained eveything with time travel. Doesn’t deserve a berating for plot.

Inconsistencies – No Beratings. Shucks, there could have been, but it’s been so long since I’ve seen it I don’t remember.

Unbelievable Events – 2 Beratings. I loved this movie, but I’m so sick of scientific liberties being taken with no regard for realism. Let’s just list one example: they would have died in the scene where they were parachuting to stop the drill. No question.

Schematics – No Beratings. Another well-made J. J. Abrams film.

2/10 Beratings = See it at full price

I Love You, Man

Acting – 1 Berating. I don’t find Jason Segel to be a very good actor, and he had a lot of screen time here. I also don’t like Rashida Jones. She got annoying after a few episodes on The Office and has stayed annoying ever since. Paul Rudd made this movie

Plot – 1 Berating. Nothing really happened. That’s OK as long as the movie in question is Dazed & Confused.

Inconsistencies – No Beratings.

Unbelievable Events – 1 Berating. There isn’t a guy like Jason Segel’s character in the whole world, nor has there ever been, nor will there ever be.

Schematics – No Beratings. A good comedy that doesn’t rely too heavily on slapstick humor.

3/10 Beratings = See it at the Five-Buck-Club

Nick & Norah’s Infinite Playlist

Acting – 2 Beratings. Why was Kat Dennings cast to be in this movie – or any movie for that matter? She’s terrible. Micheal Cera didn’t do anything great either.

Plot – 2 Beratings. Nothing happened. Except pretentiousness.

Inconsistencies – No Beratings.

Unbelievable Events – 2 Beratings. People don’t meet like this. People don’t act like this. They just don’t.

Schematics – 2 Beratings. I don’t like the way this film was made. It was so boring.

8/10 Beratings = Watch it purely for spousal points

More to come!

Footnotes —

¹ Twidiot: someone who uses Twitter as a public announcement platform for uninteresting personal things.

² Briefratings: do you seriously not know what this means?