The Good

I knew it would be good! I knew it! Some people hated it. However, A lot of other, smarter people raved about it. I for one am raving about it. Here’s the thing, I’m sort of tired of logically defining every aspect of life. What am I, a scientist? Don’t get me wrong, me and logic are like peas and carrots, but peas also have another cooler friend called mashed potatoes, and mashed potatoes represent feelings and emotions. Sometimes I discard logic for feelings, and that’s what I’m doing with Inception.

Here’s the recipe for Inception: start with The Matrix (everyone’s saying it, but it’s true), one of the all-time greatest films, and extract the feeling it gave you. That wonderful, overwhelming sci-fi-ish feeling. Put that in a mixing bowl and add in a generous helping of plot holes, Minority Report, a tablespoon of Vanilla Sky, a dash of Dark City, and the dark atmosphere of The Dark Knight (so much dark!). Bake that and eat it, and then you will fall asleep and have a good dream about a movie called Inception, which is about dreams-within-dreams-within-dreams. Sweet dreams!

I really need to see it again because it leaves lots of stuff hidden between the lines, plus it has that paradoxical element that time travel films often possess, and when I tried to think about it too hard my brain started to hurt. Maybe that’s because someone was in there last night inceptifying too many ideas at once. This movie was completely original and not based on any previous stories. I’m so sick of remakes and this was surprisingly refreshing simply because it was a brand new work of fiction. Christopher Nolan is awesome! Other people who are awesome: all of the actors in this film (minus Mal, she was depressing).

Some of my favorite parts of Inception are the whole dream-within-a-dream thing (did anyone else guess they were in a dream-within-a-dream in the first scene like I did? Count it!), the idea of “kicks”, all of the visual effects, the never-done-before zero-gravity hallway fight scene, and the awesome score by Hans Zimmer (wow!). Just check out this brief clip from the soundtrack:

The Bad

The problem with this film is that it might be too smart for some people. I realized it’s not the smartest movie ever to come out, but it’s a Hollywood summer blockbuster, which means it is being released amidst such generic and most assuredly dumb films as The Sorcerer’s Apprentice, The Last Airbender, and Salt, to name a few. The good news is those three films I just listed got terrible reviews on Rotten Tomatoes, while Inception got rave reviews, so maybe this isn’t such a bad thing. Still, I know there are a lot of people out there who just won’t be able to follow what is going on in Inception, and thus will say “it’s stupid”. Ha. OK.

There are two glaring problems that I noticed in this film. First off and superficially, all the action scenes in the Alpine third-layer dream were really annoying. They weren’t well done and they lasted far too long. Secondly, and this one’s more important to me, the dreams just weren’t, well, “dreamy” enough. Everyone had dreams of regular places and regular people doing regular things. Sure, in one of the dreams a Paris city street folded on top of itself, but if you think about it, that’s not really as ridiculous as the stuff we actually dream about. What I’m trying to say is, you know how you have dreams that sound retarded when you tell them to people? Why didn’t any of the people in Inception have retarded dreams? Everything made sense. That was sort of weird to me. I guess maybe the whole film might not have made sense otherwise, right? Still part of “The Bad” section for me.

The Beratings

Acting – No Beratings. Joseph Gordon Levitt (3rd Rock From The Sun kid) and Ellen Page (Juno chick) are superb supporting actors, and obviously Leo was amazing, as he always is.

Plot – No Beratings. It was totally original and awesome.

Inconsistencies – 1 Berating. These people are dreaming, so why aren’t their dreams screwed up like mine? Also, if they were floating in dream layer 2, why not in dream layer 3?

Unbelievable Events – No Beratings. Since everything happens in the subconscious, nothing is really that unbelievable. Brilliant!

Semantics – No Beratings. If I gave half beratings, I would give one here since the snow action scenes were really annoying, but alas, I don’t.

1/10 Beratings = See it the first weekend

The Berating Scale
0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
» 1/10 See it the first weekend
2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

Here’s Some Not-So-Good Movies I’ve Seen Recently To Balance Things Out

The Hurt Locker: 5/10 Beratings

Depressing, no new territory (ANOTHER war movie…*sigh*), nothing really even happened. They’re dismantling bombs. So what.

The Blind Side: 5/10 Beratings

Totally cliched, seen it a million times, not great acting, I don’t really believe that’s how it happened at all. In a word, “Hollywood-ized”. Is that a word?

Invention of Lying: 6/10 Beratings

Thought it was going to be funny. There were maybe 2 funny scenes. Terribly disappointing. Plus, maybe a little blasphemous, depending on your mood…

Twilight: New Moon: 7/10 Beratings

I have no ill-feelings toward the Twilight series. It was not a good movie at all, but I completely see how its audience enjoyed the heck out of it. I’m just not its audience.

Alice In Wonderland: 7/10 Beratings

Why didn’t they just make this movie 100% computer animated instead of 98%? Way too outlandish, over-acted, un-inspiring, and nonsensical. I need at least a little substance in a film. This had zero substance.

The Men Who Stare At Goats: 8/10 Beratings

I don’t even need to explain why this sucked. Everyone who saw it agrees with me. Those who haven’t seen it are lucky.

Confessions of a Shopaholic: 9/10 Beratings

This is the biggest rip-off of a movie I’ve ever seen since Transmorphers. The movie it’s clearly ripping off is The Devil Wears Prada, which is a great film. This, however, ABSOLUTELY SUCKED. It might be in the running for my next installment of “Top 5er: Blacklisted Films”.

Scorsese does it again. While Shutter Island is not about the mob or gangs or Italy or wiseguys or illegal drugs, it still has that Scorsese feel. There are a few common elements carried over from his previous film The Departed, such as Boston accents and Leonardo DiCaprio, but that is where the similarities end. There are only about 10 “f-bombs”, in contrast to the 100+ in his other films. There are 2 violent/bloody scenes, in contrast to the usual 10+ in his other films. An finally, there are 0 crazy, old, tough-guy actors (Robert Deniros, Joe Pescis, and Jack Nicolsons), in contrast to 1+ of his other films. The point is that Martin Scorsese has deviated from the type of film genre he usually dabbles in (quite successfully) to venture into the realm of psychological thriller, and he proves that he is quite skilled in it. I’m hoping for a romantic comedy next, followed by a new installment in the college humor Van Wilder series.

The Good

When I go see a film in this genre, I am aiming to experience that good ol’ frightened feeling. Not the type that makes me jump out of my seat, but the type that runs a little deeper in the “disturbing” department and causes me to intermittently reflect back on the movie over the next week, remembering how disturbing it was and trying not to spoil it for people who haven’t seen it yet. So, how does Mr. Scorsese approach this genre? Take a look at the following elements that he uses in Shutter Island:

• A 1950s mental institution
• An island with one way on and one way off
• A lighthouse
• A brewing storm
• A German psychiatrist
• People smoking cigarettes (aaaaahhh!!!)

How can that movie not be scary? Even if Micheal Bay directed that movie, it would still be scary for at least 1 minute, depending on who composed the music. BURN! Think about it – old mental institutions are just plain scary because you never know what type of weird brain surgeries they’re performing on their patients. An island in the North Atlantic surrounded by 100-foot shear bluffs? Scary. A lighthouse? Scary (see: The Ring). A brewing storm? Adds that element of ominous evil. A German psychiatrist? Seeing as how the Nazis performed all those crazy psychiatric experiments – scary.

So, it is scary. We know that now. But what else was good? Leonardo DiCaprio was very very good. He plays the all-to-familiar character with a troubled past. But it’s what we find out about his past that blows the familiarity away. What really makes this film stand out, however, is the plot. If you haven’t seen it, you probably shouldn’t be reading this blog post anyway, but at least don’t read the next sentence, because even though I’m not saying anything specific about the movie, it will still probably lessen the whole experience for you. Shutter Island is one of those films that you think you have figured out early on, but then it purposely causes you to second guess your initial prediction, and then it makes you go back and forth the rest of the movie. “Oh I know how this ends…”, “Nevermind, I have no idea how this ends…”, “Oh… wait, yep – I know what’s going to happen…”, “Actually, shoot, nope, I think I’m wrong… or am I?” And it makes you do that literally until that last frame of film.

This is definitely one of those movies that you will most definitely have to have conversations about afterwards. You know how people talked about the Spielberg film “A.I.”? Well this will cause some similar discussions. Pay attention to the very last line of dialog that Leonardo DiCaprio says. I know what it means – but did you catch it?

One final word on The Good of Shutter Island (spoiler!): it does such a good job with the insaneness of some of the characters, that a few times I started thinking things like “What if I’m not really sitting here in this chair watching this movie? What if I’m actually insane right now and none of this is real?” And I love that it could do that to me.

The Bad

There was a section of the movie, from about 60% of the way through to about 90% of the way through, that started to lose me. And that’s a big chunk of film. There was so much vague, referential dialog that I started forgetting who was who. I know the purpose was to make you try to figure out what was real and what was imagined, but it went on too long and started to lose some of the audience. It started to lose some of its realism and poignancy for me, and I wish it would have kept us guessing a little bit more. Despite the fact that later in the film we are thrown off the scent again, I don’t like how long of a section of the film I was sitting there sure where it was going to go, and some of the conversations could have been cut in half. The flashbacks started getting a little redundant too. They were all pretty much the same thing, and they were mostly in slow motion, which put me in a different place and made it harder for the film to pull me back in once the flashback was over.

The Beratings

Acting – No Beratings. Leo shines, as do the psychiatrist characters.

Plot – No Beratings. Keeps you guessing, even after you think you guessed the ending.

Inconsistencies – 1 Berating. I’m deducting a point for the 60-90% section of the film I talked about earlier.

Unbelievable Events – No Beratings. The insane factor actually makes everything quite believable.

Semantics – 1 Berating. The flashbacks were too much, enough to merit a berating point.

2/10 Beratings = See it at full price

The Berating Scale
0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
» 2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

I have been asked a few times why I hate Nickelback so much. Well, hopefully after writing this blog post I can answer that question in the future by giving the person the URL to this article. Thanks, past self. You’re welcome, future self.

I was in the car today and forgot my iPod, so I had to listen to the radio. I came upon a gem of a song. And by “gem” I mean “turd” and by “song” I mean “homeless man”. It’s called “If Today Was Your Last Day” by Nickelback, and it is one of the worst songs I have ever heard. In fact, the only worse songs I’ve heard have been other Nickelback songs, like the one where he says something about looking at a photograph and he’s asking what the hell was on his friend Jimmy’s head or something like that. I hope you never have to hear it.

Anyway, Nickelback is notorious for writing what are almost universally agreed-upon to be bad bad songs. The song I heard on the radio today was probably the 20th radio single I can think of in the last 2 years from this band. I stopped listening to their songs after “Leader of Men” (good song actually) off their debut album, so I decided to take a listen to the lyrics of their newest “hit”. After finishing the song, I decided that if there was ever a highlight reel of modern idioms, this song would be the soundtrack. Here is the song, and the first two verses written out below it:

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each day’s a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

Against the grain should be a way of life
What’s worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’re never living twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own life

Seriously, Nickelback?!

Let’s look at each line individually and see if this song is even about anything:

Lyric:

“My best friend game me the best advice. He said each day’s a gift and not a given right.”

Meaning:

Don’t take anything for granted.

Reason it’s dumb:

What adult male talks about his best friend? A 12 year old adult male, that’s who. Also, it’s taken straight from this quote.

Lyric:

“Leave no stone unturned, leave your fears behind and try to take the path less traveled by”

Meaning:

Go for it in life – don’t take life for granted.

Reason it’s dumb:

It’s completely unoriginal. It’s three tired idioms in one sentence: 1) Leave no stone unturned, 2) Leave your fears behind you (28 million Google search results – most unrelated to this song), 3) Take the road less traveled (already a book based on a famous poem).

Lyric:

“That first step you take is the longest stride”

Meaning:

Beginning something is the hardest part.

Reason it’s dumb:

Again, completely unoriginal and stolen from this ancient proverb: The first step is always the hardest.

Lyric:

“Against the grain should be a way of life”

Meaning:

The same meaning as when he says “take the road less traveled”

Reason it’s dumb:

He already said this using a stolen idiom. Now he’s not only just repeating what others have said, but he’s stealing multiple idioms to say the same thing! This time he uses this one: Go Against The Grain.

Lyric:

“What’s worth the price is always worth the fight”

Meaning:

This actually doesn’t mean what you think it does – it’s incomplete.

Reason it’s dumb:

This is sort of a Begging The Question logical fallacy. He’s trying to make a point by saying the same thing again a different way. If something is worth the price you pay, what you are saying is that the benefits outweigh the sacrifice, or the pros outweigh the cons. Consequently, if you say something is worth the fight, you are essentially just saying something is worth the price. Both “price” and “fight” are meant to represent the sacrifice or “work” you put into it. So, we naturally hear this sentence as “What’s worth the benefit is worth the cost”, even though that’s not even what he said! That also proves this is yet another stolen idiom – how else could we have naturally known what he was trying to say, despite what he actually did say, if we hadn’t already heard it a thousand times?

Lyric:

“Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try, so live like you’re never living twice”

Meaning:

You only live life once.

Reason it’s dumb:

Look at the Wikipedia results for each of these two phrases: Every Second Counts, and You Only Live Once. There are already albums, books, films, and game shows with these titles. Again, nothing new here.

Lyric:

“Don’t take the free ride in your own life”

Meaning:

Don’t take anything for granted.

Reason it’s dumb:

Again, yet another stolen idiom. It’s this one: Free Ride.

There you go, not a single original idea presented. There is nothing to debate, and nothing to discuss. Even the chord progression – that cliched, overused, G-D-A progression – has been used a million times before even by Nickelback themselves (see chorus of Nickelback’s “Someday”, and then compare that chorus to Nickelback’s “Savin’ Me”, and THEN try to distinguish all three of these songs in your head – it’s impossible).

I am not trying to be a music elitist here as I will be the first to admit that I like music that true elitists scoff at. But I will say that I draw the line at Nickelback. Let’s look at a true song by a true band. It’s called Pyramid Song by Radiohead. I didn’t choose it because it’s the most complicated and deep song by Radiohead (which it’s not) because that would be an unfair comparison. I chose it 1) because it’s very short and 2) because it randomly came on my iPod when I got back to my desk at work. Here is the song and the full lyrics posted below it:

i jumped in the river and what did I see?
black-eyed angels swimming with me
a moon full of stars and astral cars
all the figures i used to see
all my lovers were there with me
all my past and futures
and we all went to heaven in a little row boat
there was nothing to fear and nothing to doubt

First of all, if you can name the time signature of that song I will be very impressed. Secondly, the song is not preachy at all. It is an eerie story that presents different imagery to different listeners, and it has spurred much debate, as do a lot of other Radiohead songs. Some say the song is about euthanasia, while others say it’s inspired by Dante’s Inferno. And while some of the lines were inspired by or taken from previous works, none of them were based on common idioms, maxims, proverbs, sayings, cliches, or quotes.

This is not to say that you have to like Radiohead’s song and you aren’t allowed to like Nickelback’s song. It is just a comparative example of why I think Radiohead, for instance, is such a better band than Nickelback, and I would even argue that is an objective statement in the world of music (not the world of pop, hollywood, ‘tweens, or money). Radiohead is musically complex, Nickelback is not. Radiohead is lyrically original, Nickelback is not. Radiohead is thought-provoking and inspiring, Nickelback is not. Radiohead is musically diverse, Nickelback is not. Radiohead does not get boo-ed off stage, Nickelback does.

UPDATE***

Here’s proof that Nickelback is unoriginal musically and even copies itself. This video layers How You Remind Me and Someday. They are THE SAME SONG:

This video presents a conundrum to me. It attacks the video game industry, which obviously offends me. But it also attacks the social media industry, which fills me with great exuberance. I’m left torn and conflicted, bouncing back and forth between emotions, trying to figure out what my overall reaction is. This does not happen to me. The Gimcracker exists to bust you upside your head with knowledge. It is always my goal to f*** you up with some truth. If you can name what show I just quoted I will friend request you on Facebook and follow you on Twitter immediately. Sike. Watch this video and tell me your reaction. I’d love to hear what you think about it:

This is a thing. A real thing. It’s a medication to treat acid reflux disease. What did they call it? AciPhex, naturally. Wait a second… AciPhex? Assiphex? Ass effects? No, no that can’t be right. Well yes, actually, that’s exactly how it’s pronounced. ASS EFFECTS. See for yourself – watch the commercial and try to keep a straight face:

Ass effects is such a great term. It can apply to so many things. You can walk into a really stinky bathroom and say “ooh jeez… ass effects!” Or when you clear out a room with a fart, you can smile and quietly repeat to yourself “man do I have some special ass effects!”. Even Taco Bell can benefit from this phrase, because now they can start including it in their fine print: “ingesting our Volcano Burrito may cause extreme ass effects.”

I was debating on whether or not I should do an entire blog post about the failure of a pharmaceutical company’s marketing department, but my doubt was cast aside when I came across an infographic on Digg about fart facts today. It was at that point that I realized someone was trying to give me a sign. Here is the infographic (click the image for a larger version):

Source: Online Education

So there you go. A TGM post with a bunch of words like “ass”, “fart”, and “pharmaceutical”. Enjoy it while you can because it’s not likely to happen any time in the foreseeable future.

Have you ever been so immersed in a story or character that you forget it is not real? Avatar does that to you. After seeing the film, it’s hard to remember that the blue-skinned alien race called the Na’vi doesn’t actually exist. It’s hard to imagine that Biff from Back To The Future isn’t a jerk in real life. Or that Middle Earth isn’t a real place. It’s because of good film-making that those things are so convincing. If I could sum up Avatar in a single phrase, it wouldn’t be “master storytelling”, “heart-wrenching drama”, “superb characters”, or even “ground-breaking”, it would simply be “superb film-making”. James Cameron knows how to make a film into an event that you can’t miss. Audiences were greatly affected by movies like The Terminator, Aliens, and Titanic. Well we can definitely add Avatar to the ever-growing list of must-sees in the theater.

The Good

I can’t remember a more magical world or desirable setting I’ve wanted to live in than the one created in Avatar. Not even Dazed & Confused. James Cameron thought let’s take Earth, make everything huge and photo-luminescent, and give everyone epic flying mounts so they can ride through floating mountains. Then he took all these natural elements and infused machinery and industry by added a futuristic drilling company, complete with monstrous mining equipment, mech-warrior-esque bots, and flying battleships.

The culmination of this dichotomy happens when the drilling company decides to take out the Na’vi tribe’s home. I especially loved that scene because it pits the might of nature against the cunning of man. Hundreds of missiles are launched in an all-out aerial assault on the largest living organism in the galaxy – a half-mile high, football field-thick tree that is home to the entire tribe. It is a pretty epic and moving scene when the tree is finally felled, and it is a good example of the conflict Avatar presents.

This is the next generation of CGI. The Na’vi were so meticulously created that they seem like a real species. The hardest part about doing CGI is human faces. You could say it is the last element that remains un-perfected, and certainly unrefined. The reason is that humans have a special area of the brain that is dedicated to recognizing human facial structures and facial expressions. That is why we can meet thousands of people in our lives with pretty much the same overall facial structure (2 eyes, 1 nose, about the same size head, etc.), all of which are capable of making thousands of facial expressions, and you and I instantly know who is who and what they’re feeling inside based solely on their face. So, imagine how hard it would be to create convincing CGI involving human faces. Avatar has gotten closer than ever before, and it is worth seeing the film just for this point.

As Jake Sulley discovers the world of Pandora, the audience discovers it with him. There are so many original and interesting things that we come across, everything from the flying mount rite of passage to the suspended hammocks they sleep in. It is so depressing each time Jake actually wakes back up and leaves his Avatar on standby somewhere out there in the jungle – for him and for the audience. Imagine having to leave Neverland or Narnia, and add in the fact that you are not only leaving such a magical world, but the person you have fallen in love with as well. Blast you James Cameron! How do you make love stories so appealing to a regular dude like me?!

Yes, there is a love story. And it is pretty good, although not on the level of Titanic. What takes precedence to the specific love story between Jake and his woman is the love story between Jake and the world of the Na’vi. And the reason we are able to fall in love along with Jake is because of the caliber of film-making. The sequence of events, the emotional highs and lows, the genuineness of the characters, the camera work, the effects – they all had a lot of time and effort put into them.

With the exception of Michelle Rodriguez. Why does she ever get put in a movie? Which leads us to…

The Bad

Michelle Rodriguez is the most worthless actor in Hollywood. Please find me a movie where she has any sort of genuine or natural dialogue. That is a direct challenge to you. You won’t find it in Avatar, that’s for sure. She has maybe 20 lines in the movie. Guess how many of them are not one-liners? None. “I didn’t sign up for this shit.” “You got what it takes, Marine?” “You should see your faces.” And 17 others that you will have to endure if you see Avatar. Michelle, on behalf of everyone who pays $11 for a movie ticket, please go work at a body shop or join the actual Marines.

There were plenty of unbelievable events in Avatar. Pretty much from the time Jake takes down the corporal’s ship to when Jake’s love Neytiri figures out how to put the mask on him, there is not one believable event. Here’s a quick list of things I noticed:

• Jake’s avatar falls hundreds of feet to the ground and gets up running without a scratch
• The Corporal in his mech suit falls hundreds of feet and slams onto the ground, and neither the corporal nor the mechanical suit are injured or broken in any way
• Jake takes on the mech suit in hand-to-hand combat and appears to be just as strong as the mech suit
• Again in the same combat sequence, the mech suit appears to be just as agile as Jake
• The mech suit loses its gun and unsheaths a knife. Is this thing a robot or a human?
• Neytiri somehow gains all knowledge on the human technology of the avatar program and knows where Jake’s real body is, that it needs oxygen (which she’s never heard of), and how to put the mask on him to save his life.

This all happens in the same 10 minute sequence at the climax of the movie. Cameron really could have sealed the deal with a climax the likes of The Matrix or Return of the Jedi, but instead he regresses into a series of classic action movie cliches.

If you read between the lines, it could be apparent that James Cameron is trying to preach environmentalism, Buddhism, and that the US should have left the Native Americans alone. I would slightly disagree with those ideas. I think Avatar is a commentary on humanity overall, not just on current events in America. Since humankind began, superpowers have expanded and gained power over others, because that is human nature. It is also human nature to sacrifice the natural world for the advancement of technology and civilization. Just because we find a new planet doesn’t mean we’re not going to let our humanity show through. In Avatar, humanity loses the battle against the indigenous population. What I take away from this movie is that maybe we were not meant to be on Pandora.

The film does tend to glorify the oneness with nature that the Na’vi have, and it gets a little old after a while. However Pandora is different than Earth because the beings that inhabit it can literally plug in to the network of nature via a very physical communication system. We can’t employ mind control on horses simply by plugging into them, but on Pandora you can create an instant, eternal bond with the same type of animal via the natural communication jack that every living being has. There are completely new and unique lifeforms in a world we have never been to or seen before, so I wouldn’t be too quick to compare every element in Pandora to an Earthly equivalent.

The bottom line is, yes James Cameron has certain political ideas that he could be expressing through his film, but no they don’t ruin the movie. You can easily accept this film as what it is, and enjoy it. That is, unless you come in with a prior agenda of your own.

The Beratings

Acting – No Beratings. Any lack of acting by Michelle Rodriguez is more than compensated for by Giovanni Ribisi. Sam Worthington also creates a very likable and relatable protagonist.

Plot – No Beratings. Wasn’t The Matrix, but it was good enough to keep me enthralled for almost 3 hours.

Inconsistencies – 1 Berating. We spend 45 minutes watching the development of how agile the Na’vi are, and then we see one of them fight a bulky mech warrior and he can’t even get behind it. Despite being undeniably chosen by the Na’vi deity as their savior, Jake is cast out of the tribe without any sign of betrayal on his part. Then accepted back in immediately when he arrives on a bigger dragon.

Unbelievable Events – 1 Berating. See bulleted list in “The Bad” section above. Also, the “Flux Vortex” didn’t make any sense. How can there be floating mountains? Gravity? Magnetism? I looked up the term “flux vortex” and couldn’t find a thing about it.

Semantics – No Beratings. Great soundtrack, CGI, originality, etc.

2/10 Beratings = See it at full price

0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
» 2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

There are a lot of reasons to delete your Facebook account, and I’ve been over a lot of them. But this is the final straw. Get out while you can! Facebook just made all of your stuff public. That’s right, your friends lists, profile pics, fan pages, and network memberships are all public now. I’m so glad I deleted my account permanently (which was rocket science to do, by the way). You should too! If not because it’s a huge waste of time, makes your relationships with some people awkward, and glorifies extroverts and annoying ego-centric people, do it because they are violating your freedom!

Why are they doing it? Twitter. Again, Twitter is the culprit! Twitter has a completely public philosophy, and they are getting lots of traffic because of it. Facebook wants in. That’s right, despite the fact that Facebook has 350 million members and enough monthly bandwidth to generate a treasure chest full of gold and antiquities every second, they still want more money. If everybody’s stuff is public, they can get more traffic, and thus more money. Simple as that. Resistance is not futile! Just delete your account and pick up the damn phone if you want to keep in touch. You don’t even have to call someone – just text ‘em you laggard!

When you’re talking about the top five hottest things right now, you have to think about all the popular things that everybody likes, and then you gotta just take the top five of them.

That sentence was written in homage to the great John Madden, because, yes, this post is very madden-esque and I’m totally pointing out the obvious. Still, it is fun to see how dominating certain franchises, institutions, and brands really are. Everyone knows Google is the largest search engine, but sometimes it’s fun to see just how much more successful it is than Yahoo and MSN.

How did I choose this list? Well, it could have been something like Coke, McDonald’s, Nike, John Deere, and Chrysler (jk Chrysler). But those things are old, and I wanted this to be a list of things that are particularly hot right now. That means things that have seen fairly large growth over recent years, and have clearly shown their superiority in what once was a competitive market.

So, without further ado, I give you the top five hottest things right now, listed in order of market share dominance.

#5. NFL

Market Share

30%

NFL is 15% higher than the next highest competitor, which is MLB at 15%. Market share has risen 6 points since 1985, while baseball has dropped 8 points in the same time period. More women watched the Super Bowl than the Academy Awards.

source, source

Why It’s So Dominant

The NFL is not over-saturated and spread thin like MLB or NBA, as it only has 16 regular season games versus 82 games (NBA) and 162 (MLB), and is thus easier to keep up with (IMO). It is much more complicated of a game, with many more rules than most other sports because of all the possible situations that can arise. And unlike the NBA/MLB, you can’t buy yourself a dynasty. For the last 50 years the Yankees and the Lakers/Celtics/Bulls have been in dang near every championship in their respective sport. Conversely, read these NFL football facts:

• Of the 32 teams, 27 have made the playoffs in the past five years.
• The NFC has sent seven different teams to the Super Bowl in the past seven years.
• Three teams — Baltimore, New Orleans and Philadelphia — went from last in their division to first in 2006.
• For 11 straight seasons, at least five of the 12 playoff teams were not in the postseason the year before.
• One of every six games last year was decided in the final two minutes, or overtime. One of every four was won by three or fewer points.

Why It Doesn’t Quite Have 100% Of The Market

There are only two reasons the NFL doesn’t have 100% of the market. One is because it’s only on for barely 5 months out of the year, leaving 7 months that have to be filled with other sports by default. The only other reason is because there happen to be a lot of gay men in the world, and they would rather watch gymnastics and swimming, and that’s just the way it is God bless ‘em.

#4. Nintendo Wii

Market Share

47%

Wii is 16% higher than the next highest competitor, which is the Xbox 360 at 31%. Market share was at an all-time high of 65.6% in April 2008. The Wii has sold 56.14 million units in three years, which is over $14 billion in revenue, which does not include games or peripherals.

source, source, source

Why It’s So Dominant

The Nintendo Wii is the front-runner of the 7th generation of console wars. Everyone either has one or is planning to get one, and the demographics range from ages 5 to 85 (although it should be noted that, similarly to the game Catch Phrase, Wii skills significantly drop off precisely at age 40). It is compact, glossy, soft-white, cute, and comes with wireless controllers, which means that your wife allows you to keep it in the living room. There are only a few buttons on the remote, which means the learning curve is shallow. It’s very entertaining to bust out at parties and it takes some of the pressure off of hosting – another plus in the wife column. Finally, it’s geared towards the casual gamer, comprising a large majority of the overall market.

Why It Doesn’t Quite Have 100% Of The Market

Simply put: technology. It doesn’t have HDMI outputs and is not capable of hi-def graphics or 7.1 surround sound. Because it is geared towards the casual gamer, hardcore gamers tend to go for the Xbox 360 or the PS3 (or PC for true gamers) due to their expanded selection of maturer games (shooters and games with more adult content). Also, you cannot use it to play DVDs, let alone HDDVDs (LOL) or BluRays.

#3. Facebook

Market Share

46%

Facebook is 26% higher than the next highest competitor, which is MySpace at 20%. Within Facebook is an application called Farmville, which at 69 million users has more users than all of Twitter. In August 2008 Facebook acquired 100 million users, and one year later it jumped to 300 million.

source, source, source

Why It’s So Dominant

Facebook opened up their community from college students to the whole world. Then they did something even smarter: they opened up their site for third party development by allowing Facebook Apps. Then they told everyone on Facebook to tell their moms and grandmas about it and BAM – 300 million users. They have appealed to every demographic there is: kids, old people, software developers, entrepreneurs, extroverts, introverts, emo Twilight fans – you name it. When you create a product that thousands of other people can use to make big bucks for themselves, you have created a self-perpetuating product, and thus a successful product.

Why It Doesn’t Quite Have 100% Of The Market

There is a formula for this, and it’s not very pleasant but it needs to be expressed:

Sexual Predators + Privatized Facebook Profiles + Large Portion Of MySpace Users Are Dumb = MySpace Market Share Increase

There is another formula that has recently been submitted, and it can be expressed thus:

Casual Facebook Users + Surge Of Grandmas Logging On = Deletion Of Accounts

However, this formula does not impact the overall market share, so it has been overlooked by many analysts.

#2. World of Warcraft

Market Share

62%

WoW is 54% higher than the next highest competitor, which is Runescape at 8%. WoW has surpassed 12 million monthly subscribers, with 40% of players possibly addicted. WoW takes in over $2 billion in subscription revenue per year, which does not include the cost of the actual game or expansion packs. That is 20% of what the entire video game industry was in 2004.

source, source

Why It’s So Dominant

Where to begin? I’ll just start writing steam of consciousness starting now: shallow learning curve, balanced factions and classes, unique graphics and game engine, fast & polished combat system, thousands of weapons and pieces of gear, unlimited & ever-increasing content, up to 40 man cooperative raids, competitive guild systems, insanely easy to use content patch software, scalable game graphics (runs on any old computer), user base is comprised of lots of casual gamers, extremely satisfying & addicting leveling system.

Why It Doesn’t Quite Have 100% Of The Market

I suspect all the subscribers to other games such as Runescape and Everquest also have WoW accounts, in which case you could make the argument that it has 100% of the market covered. Yes, there are a few people out there with Pop Aversion Theory™, but they’re not fooling anyone.

#1. Apple iPod

Market Share

71%

Apple is 60% higher than the next highest competitor, which is Creative at 11%. Of the top 10 individual MP3 players on the market, 9 are made by Apple.

source, source

Why It’s So Dominant

Hardware, hardware, hardware. No other company consistently releases new innovations in hardware like Apple. From the click wheel to the color screen to music videos to cover flow view to recording video to the touch screen to WiFi access, Apple has upgraded its music players nearly every year since their inception. Also, companies like Microsoft and Creative do not have online music stores. Apple’s iTunes is still the largest online music store, and it really only works with the iPod, so guess which MP3 player people tend to buy? They also come in lots of trendy colors, which makes girls love them too. One time I tried to buy a Nano at the store but all they had was pretty pink, blondie blue, girly green, and ovarian orange (or something like that).

Why It Doesn’t Quite Have 100% Of The Market

No matter how great your product is, someone will figure out a way to make a way crappier and less feature-rich version for less money. Creative did this with its Sensa model, and everyone who shops at Walmart bought two each from a Bleak Friday kiosk. What they didn’t know was the Sensa is programmed to play 666 songs and then disintegrate.

There you have it. Maybe I’ll revisit this list in 20 years and it will be Roller Derby, Nintendo Virtual Boy 2, eHarmony Apps, Grand Theft Auto Online, and, uh, iPod again.

Check out how original, relevant, and emotionally deep these Nickelback lyrics are:

“Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So live like you’ll never live it twice
Don’t take the free ride in your own life”
-Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback

Don’t take the free ride in your own life.
Don’t take the free ride in your own life.

There’s just so many ways you can read that, man. It’s like:

Do not steal the free ride inside of the life that’s already only your own.

I won’t. I will not.

Neither does Belichick:

“Every second counts ’cause there’s no second try
So go for it on 4th and 2 with the Colts six points nigh
With only three minutes left, cause Brady is your guy”
-Bill Belichick, interpreting Today Was Your Last Day by Nickelback

I know what you’re thinking: two Seriously?! posts about television networks, back to back? The economy is in bad shape, man, and it affects everyone. Or I watched a little too much TV this week. So, did you happen to catch any of the programming on NBC last night, namely The Office and 30 Rock? If you did, you may now loose the wire around your neck – it’s not worth killing yourself. If you didn’t, I just want you to know that this blog post is not exaggerated – these things actually occurred on this planet in this dimension in this country in my living room.

Apparently it is “Green Week” or something (didn’t know that) and NBC is the most liberally-biased network there is (did know that), which is a very annoying combination. Before I tell you what happened, let me refresh you with our classic TGM political disclaimers. I am neither conservative nor liberal on all matters, and I do not fall into either of the groups in the two one-party system. If NBC was ultra-conservative instead of liberal, and it was like “Gun Week” or something, then I would be equally annoyed. Glad we cleared that up. So, what hoopla went on last night, besides a pot-head scoring 3 TDs against Carolina?

I’ll start with a list of topics in the “hot debate” category that were force-fed down our throats with a big, smug, liberal spoon (probably made out of recycled cardboard):

• Zero carbon footprint (The Office)
• Fluorescent lights (30 Rock)
• Green week (The Office/30 Rock)
• Socialism (The Office)
• Biodegradable objects (The Office)
• Earth-friendly sun tea (30 Rock)
• Homosexuality (The Office/30 Rock)
• How bad aerosols are for the atmosphere (The Office)
• Endangered whales (30 Rock)
• Big corporations are evil (The Office)
• CEOs who spend unnecessary money should be “thrown in jail” (direct quote – The Office)

Seriously, NBC?!

That is just a partial list. I only watched about half of 30 Rock, which equals about 11 minutes, so if you combine that with 22 minutes of The Office, that is a total of 33 minutes of actual shows. You read that list and you start to wonder if there was any actual “show” at all. I guess it’s a testament to NBC’s knack for comedy that the answer to that question is yes, there were actually still quite a few funny moments (although down from the regular average).

My wife pointed this out to me. She noted how we go through each day inundated with ideals, politics, opinions, and controversy. We finally get the chance to sit down at 9 o’clock at night and turn off our brains for a half hour of laughter, and the last thing we want is more ideals and politics, but NBC apparently disagrees. Have you seen SNL recently? It hasn’t always been so political, but nowadays it is probably the most politically-charged, liberal show in the entire world (another NBC show).

I know more than one person who has stopped watching The Office because of how much Micheal Scott reminds them of their own bosses. I have yet to meet someone who has stopped because they can’t stand to hear any more about liberalism. I can tell you right now, I’m not going to be that person who stops. However, if you are that person, and you are strong enough to actually quit, please let me know so I can never accept your challenge in any sort of self-control contest.

For what it’s worth, I am drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee out of a styrofoam cup as I write this, and I promise I will throw it in the styrofoam recycling bin when I’m done – don’t worry.