If some dude was transplanted from 50 years ago to a conversation happening today between two people about a third person, that dude would most likely get the wrong impression about the person being discussed. That’s because words can have different meanings based on such variables as A) what time period the word is used, B) the vocal inflection or body language accompanying the words, and C) who the person in question is. For instance, the word “dude” used to probably mean something more specific than it does now. We call everyone a dude, but back then I think it had something to do with a dude ranch or something. I’m not going to look it up, but you get the idea.

Well, today I want to focus in on one of the variables I mentioned, and that is who the person in question is, or more specifically, what gender the person is. This type of thing is discussed ad nauseum in stand-up comic routines about the differences in men and women. So, I decided to make it unique by expressing my ideas not in front of a live studio audience, but via my blog. That makes it different right? No? Well how about this: mine will be way funnier and more true. Actually I probably can’t pull that off. That leaves me only one optoin: embed a Youtube video at the end of the post. Beat that, Jim Gaffagan!

Here is a list of adjectives used to describe people, followed by what that adjective really means. Notice how they unfortunately differ based on whether or not you are talking about a man or a woman:

As promised, here is the bonus video. It’s by DJ Steve Porter, the same guy who did the NFL remix “You Play To Win The Game”. Remember the Pants On The Ground dude from American Idol? Here is the remix:

I have to work the Friday after Thanksgiving. I used to think this was a bad thing, and it seems like everyone else has that day off. But this year, after looking through the morbidly obese Sunday paper and seeing all of the “Black Friday” deals, I decided it was actually a good thing, since it meant I didn’t even have the option to shop that day. Black Friday makes me sick. The problem is, like most evil things, it is so appealing in some ways. For instance, I saw that BluRays are going to be like $6. I saw the Cannon T1i (a $900 camera) is going for $699. I saw an xbox 360 for $299… WITH SIX GAMES. So there is definitely that element of intrigue there. But it’s evil, right? Yes. Maybe these low-down, dirty examples of Black Friday ads will disgust you enough to hammer that idea home.

JC Penny

We’ll start off light with the JC Penny ad for their black Friday deals:

Look at the bottom right-hand corner: “stores open friday at 4am!”. 4am is five hours before 9am. 4am is three hours before 7am. 4am is four hours after midnight. And the workers probably have to show up at the store two hours before it opens that day to prepare. That means they have to show up at 2am. 2am is ten hours before noon. That is more than a full work day that the workers will be there before lunchtime. 2am is two hours after the Giants & Broncos game ends Thursday night. 2am is not a recognized time in 37 states. What could be so important at JC-freaking-Penny’s that you need to miss a night of sleep to obtain? A cheaply-made pendant heart necklace? A blender? A pair of Reebok’s? WHAT?

Also of note: “online screen busters”. What is that? What are those?

Lowe’s

Let’s move on to the Lowe’s ads. Keep in mind this is Lowe’s. You buy things to fix your house at Lowe’s.

I snapped this screenshot on Monday. If anyone is planning their Friday shopping orgy four days prior they need to be given ritalin and a warm glass of milk. Now I want you to study the second sentence in the highlighted box. “Super Friday begins Thanksgiving Day”. The Friday sale begins on a Thursday. And apparently the “deals won’t last long”. So that means it is quite possible that if you go to Lowe’s on Friday to shop their Friday sales, they could be sold out of everything because they sold them all on Thursday. Smart.

Walmart

Let’s move on to America’s most embarrassing store’s ad:

Walmart is so sure that they will retain their clientele, no matter how disgusting their stores and products, that they have decided to play a little game with their consumers by placing them in a life-size rat maze. Walmart has engineered a “treasure” map by rearranging their products into a confusing configuration of maximum center-walkway kiosks and minimum motorized-obesity-kart driving. If no one gets trampled to death this year it is only because Walmart did not drop the price low enough on their off-brand wannabe flat panel TVs.

Best Buy

The fastest rising star of Black Friday hands down has got to be Best Buy. The market is clearly a-frenzy for consumer electronics. I mean just look at their ad:

Best Buy is handing out TICKETS for people to BUY THINGS AT THEIR STORE. And I thought the economy wasn’t doing so hot. If luxury electronics items and unnecessary video games are in such demand that Best Buy has been forced to devise a queuing system rivaling that of Disney’s Fast Pass™, I would argue that the general public ain’t doing too bad. Do you understand that Best Buy is expecting people to show up at their front door at 3am Friday morning to stand in line for 2 hours to snatch up a generic $69 BluRay player that is going to break in 3 months and then wait in the cash register line which wraps around to the back of the store to buy the damned thing only to be sold an “extended service plan” for $19 which only covers earthquake damage? And the worst part: lots and lots of people are going to go do this. For goodness sake people, just go to the Olive Garden one less time this year and you will have saved the same amount of money without selling your soul to the Geek Squad.

Kmart

Here is Kmart’s ad:

Hehe, Kmart. Kudos little buddy. Hang in there.

Target

This is one ad that you need to go check out first hand. It is by far the worst, most disappointing, off-the-mark, blasphemous Black Friday campaign yet. Target’s ad:

Target has created an entire mini-site for Black Friday, including quizzes, paid professional actors, and sleek animated graphics. Above, you’ll see one of the questions in the quiz, which includes other questions such as “What are you eating for breakfast on Black Friday morning?” This is really getting out of hand. Before you know it, Black Friday will be a bigger American holiday than Christmas Day. Think about it, have you ever taken a quiz on the Internet about what you will wear to church Christmas morning?

Target’s ad has it all. Here is a direct quote from the introduction dialogue: “Every savvy holiday shopper knows that if you want to win Christmas you better be all over Target’s 2-day sale.” Win. Christmas. Ironically, that makes the loser of Christmas the One who made Christmas for us. Now look at this:

So, these are things now, apparently:

• “Black Friday dominators”
• counting down to next Christmas before this one even gets here
• green blood
• Hark! The herold angels SAVE!

I have a Christian coworker who does not celebrate Christmas at all. At first I thought he was weird. Now I’m beginning to think the rest of us are. Black Friday is one of the bleakest days of the year. It is “Bleak Friday”.

This post is not anti-AT&T or any other provider. It is simply a factual comparison of prices for various cable/Internet services, which is a pretty hot topic right now. Hotter than your mom.

My Current Setup

It’s been unfortunate in the past how we’ve been forced to choose between cable and satellite for TV service. At least in a lot of cases there are multiple satellite providers to choose from in the same area. There isn’t even a choice with cable; you’re stuck with whatever cable provider is in your area. I have traditionally chosen cable over satellite because I like consolidating my Internet and TV bills, plus there are lots of other reasons I don’t like satellite, like bad/no reception during storms, lag between channel switching, and more equipment to deal with.

That being said, I don’t love my cable service either. Namely, it’s too expensive to get everything I want. NFL network, extended channel lineup, movie channels, DVR… the list goes on. So, after discovering AT&T’s UVerse was available in my area, I was excited to see how much money I was supposed to be able to save. UVerse combines TV, Internet, and voice into one consolidated package, with one consolidated unit acting as a modem and router for your internet. I didn’t need the voice part, but they have great build-your-own packages for just TV & Internet service.

I started doing a side-by-side comparison of UVerse vs. Comcast. With Comcast I currently pay $90 per month for a constant 6Mbps download stream (with 12Mbps “Powerboost” speed bursting for the first 10MB of every file), digital starter cable (lots of channels, but lacking some of the premiums like NatGeo, Military, Science, BBC, and MTV 3 thru 17), 2 tuner DVR, and about 40 or so HD channels.

The UVerse Option

I created the same package on the UVerse website. At first I thought it would be way cheaper, because the corresponding UVerse package – the U100 – appeared to be $84 per month. I would be saving $6 per month by switching to UVerse, plus if I ordered online I could receive a $200 rebate after 2 months. Is that worth learning a new channel line-up, losing all my current DVR recordings on my Comcast box, and taking time off work to come home and meet the AT&T installer? Maybe.

I’ll be honest, I was considering it. That is until I looked a little closer at the U100 package. A crucial piece was missing: no HD channels. That costs an extra $10 per month. Also, no DVR functionality. That’s another $15 per month. After adding in those missing elements, the U100 package came to $109, which is $19 more per month than the same package with Comcast. But even if the whole package was only $84 instead of $109, I still wouldn’t switch due to one very very very important detail.

You cannot split UVerse to multiple TVs without paying a $7 montly charge for each additional TV

That’s right, AT&T sends the signal through the coax line into your house not as a TV signal, but as a data signal. That means if you intercept the signal and try to split it to multiple TVs, it will not work. The signal has to be processed by a digital AT&T box sitting at each TV you want to watch. Right now I am splitting my Comcast cable signal to 4 TVs (some would say that’s too many, but I would answer that they should not judge me because only God can judge me). Why I split it to 4 separate TVs in a 3 bedroom house with no kids is a different story (a very exciting story). And no, there is NOT a TV in my bedroom, as I do not believe in married couples having a TV in their bedroom. Please write me a mean comment if you disagree.

So, if I really want to have the exact same package from UVerse that I currently have with Comcast, the cost is not $84, not even $109, but $123. That is not a good deal! NO DEAL! Is that show still on? Hey, Amazing Race is still on and I watched it 2 days ago. It’s still mediocre.

One more thing. I’ve been thinking of upgrading my channel lineup to include all those aforementioned channels like NatGeo. How much more will that cost with Comcast? $17 per month. That would make my monthly bill $107. The same thing with UVerse is called the U200 package, and after adding all the previously defined necessary additions like HD ‘n such, it comes to $130 per month. The one thing it comes with that Comcast does not is NFL Network. So, adding the $7 monthly charge for NFL Network to my Comcast bill, the total comes to $114 per month, which is still much less than UVerse U200.

If you’ve made it this far into this post I am going to reward you with screenshots of the two different UVerse packages we’ve discussed.

Conclusion

The lesson here is a familiar one, but one that many of us disregard out of laziness. And that is, read the fine print! The big problem in my case was losing the ability to split (albeit maybe illegally) the signal to multiple TVs for free. Like my coworkers who both have and love UVerse, maybe you don’t need this functionality, in which case UVerse might be a good option for you.

Until UVerse gives me the option to split the signal to multiple TVs for free, or until Comcast jacks up my prices (I’m currently on a promotion, but I’ve been on a promotion for the last 5 years because all you have to do is call Comcast and tell them you want the current promotion) I will happily pay my $90 per month for Comcast. Now you know why I don’t have AT&T UVerse (yet).

A good way that I have found to deal with these matters is to listen to what other smarter people had to say and try to use their ideas to help me make my own decisions. It helps me when I am faced with having to converse with someone that knows way more than me about the stock market for instance. Here are 5 short clips that can be essential learning tools from 5 of today’s greatest thinkers.

Sebastian Maniscalco

To me, that clip deals with our current economic crisis by showing you how to save money by cutting out unnecessary luxuries, like expensive restaurants.

Kirk Fox

I like that one because it details how to make the most of what you have and get by in life even when your credit history is not so hot.

Brian Regan

I think that one is important because it encourages us to try and spend a little money on recreational activities, and how by doing so we create jobs in the workforce.

Cedric the Entertainer (NSFW)

I love that one, as it deals with the touchy subject of same-sex marriage in a very respectful, insightful way that really makes you think.

Dane Cook (NSFW)

I think this one demonstrates how to have a two-way argument with the people we care about, which will help us while discussing all of the aforementioned important social issues.

Some would say that I found 5 of my favorite recent stand-up clips and used the “social issue” thing to justify posting them on my blog.

It seems like everywhere I turn I’m pimp smacked by the hand of bad news. Doom and gloom abounds on TV, in the movies, and even everyday conversations with people. Our economy is dying. Both presidential candidates suck. Gas prices are way up. The Colts played terribly on Sunday. Global warming. Murder. Abortion. Capital punishment. Genocide. Disease. Famine. Pestilence. Death.

This stuff doesn’t bother me. I don’t dwell on it very often. Heck, maybe I should, I don’t know. But one thing’s for sure, there are many more things in the universe that should put a smile on your face than a frown. Here are 5 of them off the top of my head.

#5 Our Country

Think about the fact that you can choose to vote or choose not to vote, and it’s nobody’s business but your own. You don’t have to tell anyone who you voted for or why, and you can have any political viewpoint you want without worrying about anybody (legally) threatening you. No matter who wins the election we will still be the best country in the world with the most powerful military, the highest GDP, and the best schools and corporations, regardless of what doomsday political know-it-alls are “predicting”.

#4 Taco Bell

Any time of any day that I so choose, I can get in my car, drive down the street, and shop at Taco Bell. Or Hardees. Or Subway. Anywhere I want to eat, I can. And I can eat whatever I want. I thank God for this privilege.

Yes, I consider my visits to fast food establishments to be shopping trips.

#3 Roads

Did you ever stop to think about how you can go anywhere you want? You can get on the interstate, which is probably not far from your driveway and get anywhere in the entire country (besides Hawaii). Or, you can drive to the airport, and get on a plane that will take you anywhere in the world (besides Antartica).

But the roads are especially neat to me. Some people complain about road construction. I see it the other way around. Someone is utilizing a bunch of amazingly-engineered heavy machinery and constructing a road for my pleasure. That brightens my day to think about.

#2 DVR

I can pause and rewind live TV. So can you. Even if you don’t have DVR yet, don’t worry about it. It’s one of those things that every household will have within the next 5 years, like dishwashers, microwaves, and cell phones. If you have a TV, you will have the power of DVR. And it will be magnanimous.

#1 Earth

Our Earth is indestructible by human hands. And most other powers too. The Earth cannot be blown up by bombs, and there is no comet or asteroid big enough to destroy the Earth. Even Mars isn’t big enough. If it smashed into the Earth, it would not destroy the Earth (unless it was going at an unbelievably high speed). Mars is only 11% of the mass of the Earth. The object would have to be as big as Venus, which is 81% Earth’s mass. And it would have to be traveling at 50,000 miles per hour. To find out just how hard it is to destroy our planet, see this article.

So, we live in the greatest country on the most resilient planet in the solar system, and we can travel to any Taco Bell we want on a very sophisticated highway system without missing new episodes of The Office. If that doesn’t brighten your day, I don’t know what else to tell you.

I know, I know. Taco Bell released the Volcano Taco. I’ve been busy.

I don’t know if you’ve read in the papers lately, but the DJIA (?) is way down and the Nazz Deck (?) has lost a lot of points and the SMP-500 (stands for “Stock Market Price 500″) is failing miserably. Well I don’t know exactly what all of this means, but it seems bad.

So what is the stock market? It’s one of those questions that most people think they know the answer to, but do they really? The answer is no. For instance, can you explain this picture?

Stop. Don’t say “people trading on Wall Street”. You’re like a child that repeats a cuss word.

Let me tell you something that really annoys me. Sometimes when the stock market comes up in conversation (which is never my doing) I ask the other person this question: “Hey, what is the stock market?”

I always get the same response: “The stock market? Duh, dude. It’s … [blah blah blah, regurgitate facts they heard on Bloomburg, blah blah blah] … so, you see, it’s pretty cool.”

That’s when I look at the person and exclaim, “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

It really annoys me because I have this pet peeve about people that aren’t able to just say they don’t know the answer to something. Instead, they run their mouths and hope there’s no one around that actually knows about the subject at hand. Occasionally there will be an expert on hand to present follow-up questions to the know-it-all, and that’s when the know-it-all really starts to squirm. This is very pleasurable to observe and it’s something that I greatly look forward to each day that I wake up.

So what IS the stock market? I’m not asking for a one sentence definition. I want to know why it exists, how it works, and why it has been falling lately. I’ve had classes on this and I’ve read articles and done research and passed my Series 7 exam and everything. Heck, I work at a financial institution. You think I ought to know the answers to these questions. But I don’t truly grasp how it all works.

I just read this article on BBC that is totally written for dumbasses like me. What happens every time I read one of these watered-down articles about the stock market is this: I become enlightened at about the second paragraph and begin to realize what it all means and how it all works as I get further into the article. Then, when I get to the end, I realize I have forgotten the basic elements on which the article has been building.

I can understand each piece, but I just can’t wrap my head around the sum of the parts. Why can I build a complicated web application but I can’t understand the stock market? Probably because I build it in small pieces. It’s similar to the “Baby Steps” theory presented in the exquisite film “What About Bob?”

Do you feel the same way? I can offer some consolation. 1) To make myself feel better, I have determined that no one really understands the stock market. 2) I oft’ enjoy Volcano Tacos.

Combining those two elements is a recipe for success! Ignorance cancels out gluttony and vice versa.

I was a barista for 4 years and I made plenty of Frappucino-like drinks (we called them Ice Storms). I used to split one with my coworker every couple of days, but stopped doing so when I discovered just how unhealthy they really are.

Why are Frappuccinos so bad for you? They cover all the bases of unhealthiness: they contain lots of sugar, fat, carbs, and caffeine. Let’s dive right into some comparisons:

Look at those carbs and sugar! Keep in mind we are comparing two very unhealthy fast food burgers to a DRINK. I guess it would be fine to drink Frappuccinos if you didn’t eat breakfast or lunch and then ate a really healthy dinner filled with vegetables and lean meat. Or if you ran 4 miles a day to offset the calorie intake. But let’s be honest here, people who drink Frappuccinos are the same people who eat bags of popcorn as an afternoon snack at their desks, so I don’t see them skipping 2 meals a day (which is also unhealthy – it lowers your metabolism).

How can something you drink be as unhealthy as a delicious McDonald’s hamburger that you eat? I’m willing to bet that if they put nutrition information right on the menus at Starbucks, a lot of people would get a drink with half the calories that would still taste really good. For instance, you could get a Lite Caramel Frappuccino – with only 180 calories (instead of a whopping 500) and 1.5 grams of fat (instead of 16). I imagine they don’t add the whip, they use a different mix base, and use skim milk. Still, you get a large Frappuccino with like 75% less guilt.

What’s the worst drink at Starbucks?

600 calories. BOOM. I would much rather eat a Whopper. Plus I’d get more nutrition from a Whopper than a Frappuccino.

What’s the worst drink ANYWHERE?

If you have a Large Heath Bar Shake habit, shoot yourself right now.

This is the list of top 5 most annoying cars on the road. If you bought one of these cars thinking your friends would be jealous, you were duped my friend.

Please note that this solely refers to people who bought these cars brand new, since that’s the only time the playing field is level enough for me to cast judgment. Buying one of these pieces of $hit used is an entirely different story.

5. Neons

Why They’re Annoying
Here’s what a Neon is: a bottom-of-the-line, cheaply-made domestic car for people who can’t afford anything else and get seduced into buying one from the sharks at one of the 10 billion Dodge dealerships at every major intersection in the country. It’s a pile of the junkiest car parts on Earth welded together and wrapped in a shiny coat of paint.

Who Drives Them
College girls (the ones who don’t own Cavaliers) and inner-city white boys who wear wife-beaters and lean their seats back as far as possible.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
Either a Hawaiian lei or a white visor. If you’re really lucky you’ll see both of these items and a man driving the car. I’ve seen this only twice in my entire life.

Playing On The Radio
Chris Brown, Ludacris, or Nelly Furtado (dependent upon sex of the driver)

Level Of Annoying
Pretty annoying, but the fact that there are no Neon drivers over the age of 21 means people grow out of this phase pretty quickly. Usually as soon as they move out of their parents’ house.

What You Should’ve Bought
If you’re spending $14k and you want something young and hip, get something that’s going to last a little bit longer and not tempt you to blast hip hop with all four windows down until your speakers are distorted. I’m thinking something along the lines of a Ford Focus or a Saturn Astra. I wouldn’t hate you if you thought about a Chevy Cobalt even.

4. Sebring Convertibles

Why They’re Annoying
A Sebring convertible tells me you’re in middle management and you think you deserve a luxury car. Well I’ve got news for you, you don’t deserve a luxury car, and this is not one. Crystler excels at making you think you’re buying a luxury car by tacking on a bunch of shiny chrome and filling the interior with fake wood-grain trim. Then when you ask them why it doesn’t cost the same as a luxury car they respond “Are you kidding me!? Look at all that shiny chrome and wood grain. It might as well be a Lexus!”

Who Drives Them
The 25 year old “big shot” with Bluetooth and sunglasses who goes on coffee runs at the law firm he works for. Also, the middle-manager with the corner office (the only corner office without a window). Occasionally you will see an English professor driving a Sebring convertible, but only if he can’t afford a Volkswagon.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
The Sebring convertible owner will sometimes use the rear view mirror as a means to organize the power cords to his XM Radio, GPS navigation, and radar detector.

Playing On The Radio
REO Speedwagon and sports radio.

Level Of Annoying
Very annoying. I don’t usually care to see the faces of the other people on the road. In a Sebring convertible I can not only see your face, but I can see your overly-gelled hair and your $10 tie flapping so furiously in the wind that there’s no possible way you are even remotely comfortable.

What You Should’ve Bought
You don’t need a convertible. Use the extra five thousand dollars you spent on that feature and get a Toyota Camry. It will last twice as long and not say “Hi, I’m a douchebag.” Or use that money to pay off your huge school loans instead of buying a car to try to impress your coworkers.

3. Rams

Why They’re Annoying
We’ve already covered why Dodges suck. It’s all show and no substance with any Dodge car. Dodge Rams are usually very very big, which means you get all that much more showy uselessness wrapped around an even bigger pile of scrap metal that is solely designed to last 50k miles and then break in half as soon as the warranty runs out.

Who Drives Them
Rednecks. Plain and simple.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
There is an assortment of possibilities here. Anything from dog tags to pine tree air fresheners to the little chrome naked lady silhouettes.

Playing On The Radio
Nickleback, Metallica (nothing pre-Load), and country music.

Level Of Annoying
Super annoying. 80% of the time I pass a Ram, the guy driving it looks at me like he wants to fight me. 100% of the time I pass a Ram with my wife in the car with me, the guy driving it looks at her like he wants to “fight” her. I find this unacceptable, but unfortunately there’s nothing I can do about it because not only could his behemoth truck crush my car under its monstrous tires, the driver could probably crush my body under his monstrous gut.

What You Should’ve Bought
This is a very obvious one. Since you are probably against those damn Jap import brands, that leaves you with two options: an F-150 or a Chevy Silverado. Trust me, they’re way better. Just trust me.

2. Beetles

Why They’re Annoying
Everyone driving a beetle is so happy with life for some reason. Thus, they feel the need to do a few things that really annoy me, such as drive leisurely right in front of me and plaster judgmental stickers all over their back bumpers. Also, Beetles are probably the 3rd ugliest car I can think of. And what’s with all the pastel colors? There are certain color schemes you use for certain things. Pastels are not to be used on the exterior of your car, just like pastels are not to be used on football uniforms. Even girl football uniforms. If there even is such a thing *shudder*.

Who Drives Them
White people, rich college girls, and middle-aged tree-hugging men. Not that Beetles are in any way good for the environment. It must be the connection between Volkswagon Beetles and The Beatles, which leads to Apple Records and Apple Computers, which leads to queer. Making up fake connections like that is what I do best.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
If there aren’t flowers in the flower holder, there is some sort of artsy trinket that was picked up at an art fair – possibly a necklace or some sort of tribal garb.

Playing On The Radio
More often than not, The Beatles. It’s just one big cliche on wheels that can’t be stopped.

Level Of Annoying
Extremely annoying. The absolute worst is seeing a Beetle with one of those equal-sign bumper stickers on the back. Which is 90% of Beetles.

What You Should’ve Bought
So, you want to be young and hip and urban and spend around $20k? You failed, because you should’ve bought a Scion tc. Way more features, way less annoying, and it’s a Toyota, dummy.

1. PT Cruisers

Why They’re Annoying
PT Cruisers are gimmicks meant to trick dumb people into buying a car they think is one-of-a-kind. But since there are so many dumb people in the world, PT Cruisers are everywhere, so they have completely lost their uniqueness. And I swear they’re all purple. Let’s count lies Chrysler is trying to feed us with this car. Well, it looks big because of its shape, but actually it’s smaller than most cars. It looks fast because of it’s sporty design, but it only has 150 horsepower. It looks gangster because it harkens back to the designs of the cars Al Capone and company used to drive around in and shoot at people from, but if that’s the case why is every single PT Cruiser driver fat, old, and poor?

Who Drives Them
I’ll tell you exactly who drives PT Cruisers: portly women in their 40s who smoke cheap cigarettes and go to casinos and play the slots at least 5 times a week. If I haven’t painted a precise enough picture for you, there’s nothing more I can do.

Hanging From The Rear View Mirror
Crosses, and those nasty pink stretchy cloth hair ties.

Playing On The Radio
Light rock and country.

Level Of Annoying
Absolutely annoying. When I try to put myself in the shoes of other countries and how they view Americans, I think of a fat, lazy, dirty, wrinkly woman driving her PT Cruiser across the street from her trailer park to the McDonald’s drive-thru ready to use a coupon, not to receive a discount on the food she was going to buy, but to buy more food than she should. Call me cynical.

What You Should’ve Bought
At this point I would list possible alternate cars you would have been better off spending your money on, but every time I think of a car, I picture you in it and it ruins that entire make and model.

Having to suddenly switch from PC to Mac for a week is probably like being thrown into a country where no one speaks English. It’s really hard to discipline yourself to learn another language if you can just go back to English whenever you need, but if you are immersed in it you will find that you are much more capable of picking it up than you once thought.

It’s the same with learning to use a Mac. In the past, when I got frustrated trying to complete a task, I just went and did it on my super-beefy Dell XPS gen 2 (don’t laugh, I know it’s 5 1/2 years old). Then I’d knife a few counter-terrorists as a victory celebration.

Last week I didn’t have that option, so I was literally forced to learn the basics of OSX or Puma or Liger or Bumblebee or whatever operating system Apple just released. Yes it was frustrating at times, but that frustration forced me to figure things out. And once I started to figure things out, I … liked it.

Know why? Because stuff JUST WORKED. I’m serious, the computer would never just hang up on me. It always told me what was happening. All the programs worked together, blissfully unaware that they were drinking from the same memory pool and using the same resources that 10 others were. And I was on a dial-up connection to boot.

At this point, 3 out of the 3 total people reading this article are hovering their mouses over the “close tab” button in their browsers. I don’t blame you. I wouldn’t even read an article with this title, so that was your first mistake.

You know what doesn’t JUST WORK? My PC. I tried backing up my music from my laptop to my external HD to my desktop, and when I pasted the My Music folder into the “Brian\Users\” folder in Vista, it made a duplicate folder instead of copying over the old one. Only then did I realize I wasn’t looking at an actual directory structure even though I was using Windows Explorer.

I know, right. WTF? I had to give up because it wouldn’t let me rename the folders because I didn’t have admin permission even though I am the sole proprietor of my own computer (i.e. I am an admin dangit).

I’m not saying a Mac doesn’t crash – the Mac I was using did crash once. I’m not saying Macs are good for everyone – some people like to play games, and if they have a Mac they’re obviously limiting themselves. And I’m not saying you will like a Mac when you use it. Some people just don’t appreciate user interface. These are usually the same people that have messy houses, disorganized sock drawers, and 5 year-old wardrobes.

Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

Do you see where I’m going with this? Mac is more of an accessory and tool for your lifestyle, and PC is more of an accessory and tool for your work life. That is exactly what Mac has been telling me for the past 5 years, I just haven’t been listening.

When I got home from my week of slim, sleek, bright, colorful, gay Mac using and fired up Vista on the old Dell XPS frag-box beast of a mainframe, I found myself having much less fun and much more frustration*. Is using a computer supposed to be fun? Here’s my quick answer: yes, if you’re using it at home. And yes, even if you’re using it at work, but sadly this is just not possible when you are a Microsoft web developer.

In summary, I want to point out that while dealing with media files on an OS I had only used for a week, I was able to get tasks done much more quickly with fewer errors than I was able to get done with the exact same media files on an OS I had used my whole life. I don’t care what facts and figures you throw at me, that right there is proof that Macs are not all bad.

If you have the money and you don’t care about ever ever evAR customizing anything on your computer, a Mac is for you. Finally, please don’t tell me you don’t buy into the whole “lifestyle” thing. Consumer electronics are all about lifestyle. This isn’t 1986 anymore.

*Note in this context the word “gay” purely references style, not sexual preference. I like small words, not big words.

On my daily web surf I came across this disturbing article. It details a guy who lives for hypermiling, which is a method of increasing your car’s gas mileage by making skillful changes in the way you drive, allowing you to save gas and thereby have an easier time withstanding the rising oil and gas prices.

I am losing hope in humanity.

You know how you want to tear out your hair when you’re stuck behind a stupid driver? Wait, backup… what’s a stupid driver? I’m glad you asked, here are just a few examples:

• Someone who drives too slowly and doesn’t let you pass them (causes annoyance)
• Someone who does something you are not expecting on the road (causes accidents)
• Someone who drives selfishly (causes road rage)
• Someone who doesn’t turn right on red (causes baby puppies to commit suicide)

All of these drivers are stupid drivers. Yes, they’re stupid drivers. OK, so now that you know what I’m talking about I’ll ask that question again. You know how you want to tear out your hair when you’re stuck behind a stupid driver? Well guess what: through careful scientific analysis and research I have been able to pinpoint the exact source of all stupid drivers. This has never been done before!

All hypermilers are stupid drivers

Hypermiling requires driving like an idiot. It involves things like accelerating very very slowly, avoiding stopping/starting, taking 25mph turns at 50mph, driving on the shoulder during rain, and turning your engine on and off while in motion! Well, that nails 3/4 of the examples I mentioned above. It probably nails the 4th one too, since turning right on red usually requires a somewhat speedy acceleration as to get into the flow of already moving cross traffic.

Aside from the obvious reasons that hypermilers are stupid drivers, let me touch on a reason that might not be so obvious. The reason these people drive like this is to save money on gas. It’s also done so you can brag about it, as I guarantee you there isn’t a single hypermiler who hasn’t blabbed about his fuel economy eliteness to all of his friends and family.

Let’s take an intermediate hypermiler who has increased gas mileage from 20 to 25 mpg. At $4 per gallon and an average of 300 miles driven a week, this hypermiler went from paying $240 to $192 per month for gas: a savings of about $50. You might be thinking to yourself, “wow, that’s not so bad – maybe I’ll try a few of these techniques and keep it on the downlow.” Not so fast, idiot head.

Did you not hear what the techniques are? They are A) illegal, B) really annoying, and C) bad for your car. Let’s look at the example of taking an off ramp at twice its 25mph posted speed limit. In Indiana, speeding at 25 or more miles over the speed limit is reckless driving, so there’s some fun possible jail time for you. Also, if you’re so concerned about saving a dime, think about the unnecessary strain you’re putting on your car, such as the steering column, axles, wheels, tires, and nuts & bolts that generally hold your car together. One turn taken too fast isn’t going to do anything (unless maybe if you own a Dodge). But a thousand tire-squealing double-speed interstate exit ramps is definitely going to take significant life off your car. Was it worth the money, genius?

One last thought, and this is the most important one to me personally. We spend an average of 5 years and 5 months driving during our lifetime. You could spend that 5.4 years relaxed, listening to some tunes, driving with the flow of traffic, and not being stressed. Or you could spend it drifting through four-way stops and almost side swiping vehicles that have the right-of-way, getting to work late because you do zero to 60 in 14 minutes, and causing your passengers nausea every time you take an exit ramp.

Choose want you want, but I’m considering my $50 per month the price for comfort and ease on the road (as much as can be attained). You can spend the $50 you saved on medication for your stress-induced ulcer.

And know this: I’ve seen a lot of angry, angry regular drivers who are stuck behind stupid drivers. The minute they catch wind of the concept of hypermilers and are able to put a face to their hatred, you better hope your car still knows how to accelerate quickly.