Both images are white on blue, circular, and contain the letter “W” in white text blending in with the inner white border. Uncanny! But here’s the most interesting part: I got the urge to blog from the commercial, so I blogged about the commercial, which is what lead me to blog in the first place, without which there would have been no catalyst to blog about itself. Or another way of looking at it: this blog post only exists if the commercial exists, which is the source of this blog post originally, which is in turn a post about the commercial itself. The question then is, which came first, the blog post or the commercial?

Wait, we got off topic. The point is, some dude ripped off some other dude’s work. That reminds me of how Nickelback ripped off their own work – remember that post? It was better than this one.

If some dude was transplanted from 50 years ago to a conversation happening today between two people about a third person, that dude would most likely get the wrong impression about the person being discussed. That’s because words can have different meanings based on such variables as A) what time period the word is used, B) the vocal inflection or body language accompanying the words, and C) who the person in question is. For instance, the word “dude” used to probably mean something more specific than it does now. We call everyone a dude, but back then I think it had something to do with a dude ranch or something. I’m not going to look it up, but you get the idea.

Well, today I want to focus in on one of the variables I mentioned, and that is who the person in question is, or more specifically, what gender the person is. This type of thing is discussed ad nauseum in stand-up comic routines about the differences in men and women. So, I decided to make it unique by expressing my ideas not in front of a live studio audience, but via my blog. That makes it different right? No? Well how about this: mine will be way funnier and more true. Actually I probably can’t pull that off. That leaves me only one optoin: embed a Youtube video at the end of the post. Beat that, Jim Gaffagan!

Here is a list of adjectives used to describe people, followed by what that adjective really means. Notice how they unfortunately differ based on whether or not you are talking about a man or a woman:

As promised, here is the bonus video. It’s by DJ Steve Porter, the same guy who did the NFL remix “You Play To Win The Game”. Remember the Pants On The Ground dude from American Idol? Here is the remix:

This is a thing. A real thing. It’s a medication to treat acid reflux disease. What did they call it? AciPhex, naturally. Wait a second… AciPhex? Assiphex? Ass effects? No, no that can’t be right. Well yes, actually, that’s exactly how it’s pronounced. ASS EFFECTS. See for yourself – watch the commercial and try to keep a straight face:

Ass effects is such a great term. It can apply to so many things. You can walk into a really stinky bathroom and say “ooh jeez… ass effects!” Or when you clear out a room with a fart, you can smile and quietly repeat to yourself “man do I have some special ass effects!”. Even Taco Bell can benefit from this phrase, because now they can start including it in their fine print: “ingesting our Volcano Burrito may cause extreme ass effects.”

I was debating on whether or not I should do an entire blog post about the failure of a pharmaceutical company’s marketing department, but my doubt was cast aside when I came across an infographic on Digg about fart facts today. It was at that point that I realized someone was trying to give me a sign. Here is the infographic (click the image for a larger version):

Source: Online Education

So there you go. A TGM post with a bunch of words like “ass”, “fart”, and “pharmaceutical”. Enjoy it while you can because it’s not likely to happen any time in the foreseeable future.

I have to work the Friday after Thanksgiving. I used to think this was a bad thing, and it seems like everyone else has that day off. But this year, after looking through the morbidly obese Sunday paper and seeing all of the “Black Friday” deals, I decided it was actually a good thing, since it meant I didn’t even have the option to shop that day. Black Friday makes me sick. The problem is, like most evil things, it is so appealing in some ways. For instance, I saw that BluRays are going to be like $6. I saw the Cannon T1i (a $900 camera) is going for $699. I saw an xbox 360 for $299… WITH SIX GAMES. So there is definitely that element of intrigue there. But it’s evil, right? Yes. Maybe these low-down, dirty examples of Black Friday ads will disgust you enough to hammer that idea home.

JC Penny

We’ll start off light with the JC Penny ad for their black Friday deals:

Look at the bottom right-hand corner: “stores open friday at 4am!”. 4am is five hours before 9am. 4am is three hours before 7am. 4am is four hours after midnight. And the workers probably have to show up at the store two hours before it opens that day to prepare. That means they have to show up at 2am. 2am is ten hours before noon. That is more than a full work day that the workers will be there before lunchtime. 2am is two hours after the Giants & Broncos game ends Thursday night. 2am is not a recognized time in 37 states. What could be so important at JC-freaking-Penny’s that you need to miss a night of sleep to obtain? A cheaply-made pendant heart necklace? A blender? A pair of Reebok’s? WHAT?

Also of note: “online screen busters”. What is that? What are those?

Lowe’s

Let’s move on to the Lowe’s ads. Keep in mind this is Lowe’s. You buy things to fix your house at Lowe’s.

I snapped this screenshot on Monday. If anyone is planning their Friday shopping orgy four days prior they need to be given ritalin and a warm glass of milk. Now I want you to study the second sentence in the highlighted box. “Super Friday begins Thanksgiving Day”. The Friday sale begins on a Thursday. And apparently the “deals won’t last long”. So that means it is quite possible that if you go to Lowe’s on Friday to shop their Friday sales, they could be sold out of everything because they sold them all on Thursday. Smart.

Walmart

Let’s move on to America’s most embarrassing store’s ad:

Walmart is so sure that they will retain their clientele, no matter how disgusting their stores and products, that they have decided to play a little game with their consumers by placing them in a life-size rat maze. Walmart has engineered a “treasure” map by rearranging their products into a confusing configuration of maximum center-walkway kiosks and minimum motorized-obesity-kart driving. If no one gets trampled to death this year it is only because Walmart did not drop the price low enough on their off-brand wannabe flat panel TVs.

Best Buy

The fastest rising star of Black Friday hands down has got to be Best Buy. The market is clearly a-frenzy for consumer electronics. I mean just look at their ad:

Best Buy is handing out TICKETS for people to BUY THINGS AT THEIR STORE. And I thought the economy wasn’t doing so hot. If luxury electronics items and unnecessary video games are in such demand that Best Buy has been forced to devise a queuing system rivaling that of Disney’s Fast Pass™, I would argue that the general public ain’t doing too bad. Do you understand that Best Buy is expecting people to show up at their front door at 3am Friday morning to stand in line for 2 hours to snatch up a generic $69 BluRay player that is going to break in 3 months and then wait in the cash register line which wraps around to the back of the store to buy the damned thing only to be sold an “extended service plan” for $19 which only covers earthquake damage? And the worst part: lots and lots of people are going to go do this. For goodness sake people, just go to the Olive Garden one less time this year and you will have saved the same amount of money without selling your soul to the Geek Squad.

Kmart

Here is Kmart’s ad:

Hehe, Kmart. Kudos little buddy. Hang in there.

Target

This is one ad that you need to go check out first hand. It is by far the worst, most disappointing, off-the-mark, blasphemous Black Friday campaign yet. Target’s ad:

Target has created an entire mini-site for Black Friday, including quizzes, paid professional actors, and sleek animated graphics. Above, you’ll see one of the questions in the quiz, which includes other questions such as “What are you eating for breakfast on Black Friday morning?” This is really getting out of hand. Before you know it, Black Friday will be a bigger American holiday than Christmas Day. Think about it, have you ever taken a quiz on the Internet about what you will wear to church Christmas morning?

Target’s ad has it all. Here is a direct quote from the introduction dialogue: “Every savvy holiday shopper knows that if you want to win Christmas you better be all over Target’s 2-day sale.” Win. Christmas. Ironically, that makes the loser of Christmas the One who made Christmas for us. Now look at this:

So, these are things now, apparently:

• “Black Friday dominators”
• counting down to next Christmas before this one even gets here
• green blood
• Hark! The herold angels SAVE!

I have a Christian coworker who does not celebrate Christmas at all. At first I thought he was weird. Now I’m beginning to think the rest of us are. Black Friday is one of the bleakest days of the year. It is “Bleak Friday”.

The tallest structure ever built is complete. The Burj Dubai has been under construction since 2004, located in Dubai, UAE (that’s in the Middle East if you don’t know). It is one of the most beautiful buildings I’ve ever seen, in one of the most beautiful cities (structurally) I’ve ever seen. It is 2,684 feet tall with 160 floors, and it’s GIGANTIC. The record for tallest skyskraper in the world has been broken several times recently, but the Burj Dubai not only broke the record, it broke the record for how much a record was broken by. To give you an idea of how tall this building is, let me show you some images and compare it with other supertall buildings.

To the left you can see the tower as it nears completion. Do not adjust your television set, that is a real image of the tower. I know, I know, you just realized it is now the future. Happened to me too. The tower is a half-mile high, and it can hold 35,000 people. Just imagine waiting for an elevator at the end of the work day. Of course, since the building houses offices and residential spaces (and hotels and restaurants to boot), your rush hour commute could potentially consist of an elevator ride from the 150th floor to the 107th floor. That is, if you’re super rich.

Speaking of elevators, Burj Dubai has 56 of them, which are capable of speeds up to 40 mph (a world record). You still want more trivia? Ok, the air outside the building is 11 degrees cooler at the top than the base, and the top of the tower can sway 4 feet during strong winds. It took 22 million man hours to complete. All 700 private residences between the 45th and 108th floors sold out within 8 hours of being on the market.

So just how tall is Burj Dubai? Well, for a long time the tallest building in the world was the Empire State Building, which stands at 1250 feet with 102 floors:

After 42 years of owning the record, the Empire State Building was destroyed by aliens on July 4th. Just kidding, it was surpassed when the World Trade Center towers were built, which stood 1368 feet and had 110 floors, beating the previous record by 118 feet:

Is it just me or were those towers ugly? Well, they were surpassed in 1973 by Willis Tower (originally Sears Tower) which stands at 1450 feet and has 108 floors, beating the previous record by 82 feet:

Willis Tower held the record for a few decades until the Petronas Towers were built – the ones featured in the movie “Entrapment” with Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Well those are 1480 feet tall, beating the previous record by 30 feet:

They were the tallest buildings in the world from 1998 to 2004. Then, along came Taipei 101, built in Taipei, Taiwan. Completed in 2004, it is 1670 feet tall, breaking the previous record by around 200 feet:

Holy cow that’s tall. Well I’ve got news for you. None of these buildings compare with Burj Dubai. As mentioned, Burj Dubai is a whopping 2684 feet tall. That smashes the previous record by over 1000 feet! Ever since the Empire State Building, the record for tallest building in the world was broken by 118 feet, 82 feet, 30 feet, and 200 feet. You can add all those together and Burj Dubai smashes the record by more than double that number. Just take a look at this infographic to get a feel for the scale of the buildings:

Wow! Feast your eyes on these images of Burj Dubai. Keep in mind the buildings in Dubai are really tall, ultra modern buildings. Look at them compared to Burj Dubai. They seem so insignificant. Also, keep in mind that the exterior of the building was completed so recently (within the last week) that there aren’t even images out there yet of the finished product. The following images were taken before it was even at its full height:

Now that your mind has been fully blown, let me go one step further in classic TGM style. There is a building in the works that is going to blow Burj Dubai out of the water. Remember in Star Wars when you are actually able to fully fathom the size of the Death Star? You are only able to do so when you use relative objects. We start out grasping how extremely large a Star Destroyer is. Then we see how miniscule it is compared to a Super Star Destroyer. Then, and only then, are we able to grasp the sheer size of the Death Star, when we see that a Super Star Destroyer is only a dot compared to it.

In similar fashion we have taken a look at the tallest buildings ever built, and then shown how insignificant they are compared to Burj Dubai. Now, we are going to fully grasp the size of a building that is currently being built by comparing it to Burj Dubai. The building is called Nakheel Tower, and it is being built in – you guessed it – Dubai. It is going to be 4593 feet tall. That is almost a mile! Take a look at some of these renderings:

That second one is interesting because you can see some other buildings in the works around the world, including the China 117 Tower in China, the Freedom Tower (1 World Trade Tower) in New York, the Chicago Spire in Chicago, and the Abraj Al Bait Towers in Saudi Arabia. Some Buildings in the works not pictured are the Shangai Tower in China, the Pentominium in Dubai, the Burj Al Alam in (*yawn*) Dubai, and the Federation Tower in – hey – Moscow enters the ring!

As for local news, let’s check in on the progress of a beautiful skyscraper being built right here in my hometown of Indianapolis. The JW Marriott tower – the 7th tallest building in Indianapolis, the tallest hotel in Indiana, and tallest JW Marriott in the country – is coming along quite nicely:

It’s actually a lot taller than that now, but that’s the latest construction image I could find. Hope you enjoyed this post!

Rest assured I will be seeing this movie. Martin Scorcese has never let me down. Even with Gangs of New York (it was enjoyable right?)

P.S. sorry for the format of the embedded video. I couldn’t find one that was narrower. Oh well, it still works. You know what, I take that back. This is my blog and I apologize to no one! (I apologize for my arrogance.)

Let me begin by introducing you to him in a way that will immediately show you what he’s all about. That way you can watch this first video and decide if A) you agree with me and want to find out more by reading the rest of the post and commenting about how much you agree, or B) you don’t agree and you don’t feel like wasting your time. Most bloggers wouldn’t be so courteous as to help you with major Internet decisions like this. TMG’s a little different. A special different.

Gabe is the one with the purple tie, FYI.

Now, switch gears for a moment to a blog called Videogum. How did I end up at this blog? I listen to thesixtyone, which has several songs from a music blog called Stereogum, and from there I saw an ad which read “The Hunt For The Worst Movie Of All Time” written about the movie The Family Stone (I, too, hated that movie). After reading the post I was intrigued as to what Videogum was all about. I read a few more of the Worst Movie posts, agreeing with all of them, and loved how poignant the writing was and how the writer was able to bash a terrible movie in a much more elegant way than I could ever hope to with my insanely popular “beratings”.

I started reading more and more of the blog and eventually ended up subscribing and keeping up with every post (there are at least 10 a day) for the last 3 months. When I realized I was addicted to Videogum, I wanted to know more about the writer(s). There are two: a girl named Lindsay Robertson and a guy named Gabriel Delahaye, who goes by Gabe.

I did some research and found out that he is actually a young, normal looking guy (figured he had to be a troll, great writers usually are for some reason), who is actually really funny on camera as well.

Check out another Gabe video making fun of Details magazine and “man style”:

The only problem I have is that I’m afraid Videogum will not be as funny now that I have a face to put with the name (of the writer). That usually seems to ruin it for me because when you take the mystery away things aren’t as intriguing. Why does that happen? In any case Gabe is such a uniquely funny writer that it makes me want to shut down TGM like when they shut down Treadstone on that Bourne movie and all the lights and computers and servers were linked to the same light switch and it all went dark at once. But don’t worry I won’t do that because it only costs me $10 per year to keep TGM running.

*UPDATE*

This one’s really funny too:

Watch all of these videos. They get really good towards the bottom. Hint hint. What I mean by hint hint is that is they get funny. You gotta be kidding me that I have to spell things out like that.

Yao Ming

Note the blatant travel right before the shot and the really bad high five at the end. If I was the official I don’t know which one I’d call. Ahhhh… Chinamen.

Kobe Bryant

Look how completely wide open Walton (#4) is after he sets his illegal moving pick. Yet Kobe takes the shot, despite being defended by two people. If he would’ve missed I would’ve been pissed if I was Walton.

Carmelo Anthony

The only guy to smile after he does something amazing. Everyone else gets all serious and angry at their amazing play, but Carmelo must be just having a good old time when he’s out there. Notice how a butt takes up 90% of the picture at the end.

Dwight Howard

See if you can spot the bald Bill Cosby in the stands after the dunk. Also of note: Tayshon Prince is a bitch.

LeBron James

There are no snide remarks I can make here. LeBron James is by far the best player in the NBA right now, and he is probably the funnest person to watch (although my money’s on Brian Scalabrine for a 1-on-1 matchup against any player). Fine – you want a cynical remark for this video? OK, watch Paul Pierce wince and contort his face like a baby as he rolls off the pick. I already know what kind of person Paul Pierce is in real life based solely on this video.

Teen Wolf

Only Teen Wolf could jump facing the basket, begin descending from his jump, and then suddenly be at the rim doing a backwards two-handed dunk. Only that Teen Wolf.

Brian Scalabrine Wanna-be

Any white guy who wears a headband and plays basketball will henceforth be referred to as Brian Scalabrine.

Sasha Vujacic (prounounced “voo-ya-chick” FYI)

If you want an example of how not to play defense, watch the following instructional video courtesy of Sasha Vooyabitch. Who is the person that tried to comfort him on the bench? Probably his mom or his grandma or his nanny or his wet nurse. Too far.

Eddie House Gets Slapped

This just happened like two days ago. The Celtics were winning by 20 and Eddie House is like “not enough, I’m going to make it 23″ and busts a three in Rafer Alston’s face. What is the logical next step if you’re Rafer Alston? Try to mount a comeback? Not let it bother you? Remember it’s just a game? NOT IF YOU’RE A REAL MAN. Open-hand bitch slap the guy who just hit the shot. That way you don’t get ejected since it’s not technically a “punch”, and a bonus is you knock the guy’s headband lose so maybe it will fall in his eyes the next time he attempts to make a fool out of you. DO NOT mess with Rafer Alston.

Kevin McHale – Best One Ever

I could go on and on about this one, but it speaks for itself. (The previous videos did not speak for themselves and I had to spell everything out for you so you would get the jokes and observations which you might not have otherwise gotten)

Celtics vs. Magic tonight at 7PM and Lakers vs. Rockets at 9PM, both on ESPN. More amazing stuff like this will probably happen, so you should watch them and become a part of the casual NBA playoff watching club.

This post is not anti-AT&T or any other provider. It is simply a factual comparison of prices for various cable/Internet services, which is a pretty hot topic right now. Hotter than your mom.

My Current Setup

It’s been unfortunate in the past how we’ve been forced to choose between cable and satellite for TV service. At least in a lot of cases there are multiple satellite providers to choose from in the same area. There isn’t even a choice with cable; you’re stuck with whatever cable provider is in your area. I have traditionally chosen cable over satellite because I like consolidating my Internet and TV bills, plus there are lots of other reasons I don’t like satellite, like bad/no reception during storms, lag between channel switching, and more equipment to deal with.

That being said, I don’t love my cable service either. Namely, it’s too expensive to get everything I want. NFL network, extended channel lineup, movie channels, DVR… the list goes on. So, after discovering AT&T’s UVerse was available in my area, I was excited to see how much money I was supposed to be able to save. UVerse combines TV, Internet, and voice into one consolidated package, with one consolidated unit acting as a modem and router for your internet. I didn’t need the voice part, but they have great build-your-own packages for just TV & Internet service.

I started doing a side-by-side comparison of UVerse vs. Comcast. With Comcast I currently pay $90 per month for a constant 6Mbps download stream (with 12Mbps “Powerboost” speed bursting for the first 10MB of every file), digital starter cable (lots of channels, but lacking some of the premiums like NatGeo, Military, Science, BBC, and MTV 3 thru 17), 2 tuner DVR, and about 40 or so HD channels.

The UVerse Option

I created the same package on the UVerse website. At first I thought it would be way cheaper, because the corresponding UVerse package – the U100 – appeared to be $84 per month. I would be saving $6 per month by switching to UVerse, plus if I ordered online I could receive a $200 rebate after 2 months. Is that worth learning a new channel line-up, losing all my current DVR recordings on my Comcast box, and taking time off work to come home and meet the AT&T installer? Maybe.

I’ll be honest, I was considering it. That is until I looked a little closer at the U100 package. A crucial piece was missing: no HD channels. That costs an extra $10 per month. Also, no DVR functionality. That’s another $15 per month. After adding in those missing elements, the U100 package came to $109, which is $19 more per month than the same package with Comcast. But even if the whole package was only $84 instead of $109, I still wouldn’t switch due to one very very very important detail.

You cannot split UVerse to multiple TVs without paying a $7 montly charge for each additional TV

That’s right, AT&T sends the signal through the coax line into your house not as a TV signal, but as a data signal. That means if you intercept the signal and try to split it to multiple TVs, it will not work. The signal has to be processed by a digital AT&T box sitting at each TV you want to watch. Right now I am splitting my Comcast cable signal to 4 TVs (some would say that’s too many, but I would answer that they should not judge me because only God can judge me). Why I split it to 4 separate TVs in a 3 bedroom house with no kids is a different story (a very exciting story). And no, there is NOT a TV in my bedroom, as I do not believe in married couples having a TV in their bedroom. Please write me a mean comment if you disagree.

So, if I really want to have the exact same package from UVerse that I currently have with Comcast, the cost is not $84, not even $109, but $123. That is not a good deal! NO DEAL! Is that show still on? Hey, Amazing Race is still on and I watched it 2 days ago. It’s still mediocre.

One more thing. I’ve been thinking of upgrading my channel lineup to include all those aforementioned channels like NatGeo. How much more will that cost with Comcast? $17 per month. That would make my monthly bill $107. The same thing with UVerse is called the U200 package, and after adding all the previously defined necessary additions like HD ‘n such, it comes to $130 per month. The one thing it comes with that Comcast does not is NFL Network. So, adding the $7 monthly charge for NFL Network to my Comcast bill, the total comes to $114 per month, which is still much less than UVerse U200.

If you’ve made it this far into this post I am going to reward you with screenshots of the two different UVerse packages we’ve discussed.

Conclusion

The lesson here is a familiar one, but one that many of us disregard out of laziness. And that is, read the fine print! The big problem in my case was losing the ability to split (albeit maybe illegally) the signal to multiple TVs for free. Like my coworkers who both have and love UVerse, maybe you don’t need this functionality, in which case UVerse might be a good option for you.

Until UVerse gives me the option to split the signal to multiple TVs for free, or until Comcast jacks up my prices (I’m currently on a promotion, but I’ve been on a promotion for the last 5 years because all you have to do is call Comcast and tell them you want the current promotion) I will happily pay my $90 per month for Comcast. Now you know why I don’t have AT&T UVerse (yet).