I have talked before about how it feels like we live in the future because of all the awesome things we have, no? Maybe that’s one of my 27 drafts that are waiting to be finished. In any case – cell phones, man. How in the heck can we talk to whoever we want with no delay? Also – flat panel TVs, dude. Do you realize we are seeing a crystal clear, insanely bright, fifty-five inch wide, high resolution image on an apparatus that is less than an inch thick? That’s a far cry from the overhead projectors we had in school. Oh and – the Internet. Think about that one. You can carry around a sleek little netbook and have access to EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD from almost ANY PUBLIC PLACE.

I have said that to say this: you’d think that in a world with iPhones, organic LED TVs, and Internet everywhere, everything else would follow suit and get better and faster. You’d be wrong. I’m about to point out something in the following sentences that you’ve never consciously noticed, but has been driving you crazy. Sort of like when someone finally turns off a device that has been making a bunch of background noise all along and you suddenly realize how annoying it was once they turn it off.

We can all agree that technology is great – that is, once it’s up and running. It’s the getting it up and running part that I take issue with.

Here is the problem as I see it: gadgets and gizmos are getting smarter, more sophisticated, more complicated, and able to do so much more than they ever did. Well that’s good. Good for you. But, there is one thing missing: THINGS TAKE FOR FREAKING EVER TO START UP. Let me explain. 20 years ago I bought an original Nintendo console with the help of my parents. Here’s what happened next: 1) I put a game in, 2) I pushed the power button, 3) I entered a state of gaming bliss. That was it.

Conversely, 2 years ago I bought a Nintendo Wii. Here’s what happened next: 1) I pushed the power button, 2) I waited for it to load, 3) I ate a pastrami sandwich, 4) I hit A to get past the first warning screen, 5) I got to the menu, 6) I put a game in, 7) I waited for it to load the game, 8 ) I ate a Totino’s pizza, 9) I clicked on the game, 10) I waited for the game menu to load, 11) I hit A to get past the second warning screen, 12) I clicked “play”, 13) I clicked “yes I’m sure”, 14) I waited for the game to load AGAIN, 15) ANOTHER warning screen, 16) I finally saw the actual game menu.

WARNING EVERYONE, BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR WII DEVICES. THINGS CAN HAPPEN. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

Delicious. Do not eat if you are older than 15 years of age or you will literally get fat immediately.

And after all of that, I still had to complete several more steps – which I won’t list – and go through several more screens of loading various components before I even got to do anything.

With all of the effort involved in playing a simple game, is it even worth it? Sometimes I have 5 extra minutes where I feel like taking a load off and beating one level of a game. NOT POSSIBLE with a Nintendo Wii (or any other modern gaming console). It takes 5 minutes just to get everything up and running. I don’t want to have to schedule a time to play a video game.

“Well, TGM, I’m not a gamer, so your new theory doesn’t apply to me.” Actually it does, or at least it will very very soon. Ready for this little nugget? I have a state-of-the-art 52″ flat panel Samsung TV. Whether you realize it or not, one day so will you. Here’s what you can look forward to.

When I press the power button on my remote, it takes 35 seconds before I see an image. THIRTY-FIVE. What in the hoot-nanny could possibly be taking so long? I have ordered a meal from McDonald’s, driven to the first window, paid, driven to the second window, waited for several people to assemble and prepare multiple food items, received my food, and taken a bite of a french fry IN LESS TIME THAN THAT. When I used to have an analog TV with an electron gun in it (so old!) it would take around 5 – 8 seconds for me to see an image. ONLY FIVE TO EIGHT.

I love the Grassy Field & Trees channel.

Now, I realize it’s because the HDMI cables are carrying commands from my digital cable box to my TV via my 7.1 channel Onkyo receiver, which itself has to process the picture and sound through any number of its internal THX decoders and processors, and then it has to sync everything up, and there’s a million other things going on that I probably don’t understand. Yeah, that stuff’s pretty cool. But you’re missing the point, Samsung. You’re still not getting it, Onkyo. Why aren’t you paying attention, Motorola Comcast Cable Box? Go faster.

Isn’t this supposed to be the future? It sure sounds like it to me. Just say the year we’re in and it sounds like the future. “Twenty Ten”. That is definitely the future. If you asked anyone 15 years ago what they thought of when they heard the phrase “Twenty Ten”, they would say, “That’s totally in the future. Everything will be futuristic. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch Friends followed by Seinfeld on NBC Thursday night must-see TV. Whoops, hold on, someone’s paging me.”

Don’t even get me started on my BluRay player. ZOMG. I am absolutely not exaggerating in any way when I tell you this: it takes up to a minute and 30 seconds from a cold start to when it actually loads my disc. “But TGM, that sounds pretty normal to me.” Orly? Think back to your VCR. You put a VHS tape in and that son of a bitch would start playing immediately. BOOM. Watch your movie.

“I am neither a game player nor a movie watcher. So it still doesn’t apply to me.” Yes it does. Have you ever turned on a computer? This one really gets me. The other stuff – OK, take forever, that’s fine – it’s just fun and games. But a computer? You use computers for work. FOR WORKING. Yet, from a cold start, it can take several minutes for a computer’s processor to stop frantically churning so that you can actually open a program. Have you ever tried to click a program before the computer has fully loaded? And then nothing happens, so you click it again, and then two of them finally open? Arrrgh – frustration!!

Think about it. Processors are exponentially faster than they used to be with multiple cores and hyper threading and all that stuff. Memory is thousands of times bigger than what it used to be. Hard drives have higher RPMs and millions of times more storage space than they used to have. Yet it still takes the same amount of time, and even longer in some cases, to boot up your HP Pavilion Touch Screen Ultra PC as it did to boot up your Packard Bell 386 two decades ago.

What can possibly come next? Intel Core 3: The Most High.

More really good examples that you’ve probably experienced:

• My first cell phone 11 years ago turned on when I pressed the power button. My current cell phone takes up to 45 seconds to complete a cold start. Probably because it has more ring tones.
• My first 5-disc CD player could startup in 5 seconds and change discs in 10 seconds. My current Philips 5-disc shelf system literally takes a full minute to start up and takes 15 seconds to change discs. Probably because it has a USB port.
• My VCR could fast-forward the warnings at the beginning of movies. My BluRay player blocks me from pressing any buttons during warning screens, and also has twice as many of them to boot. Probably because it can stream Netflix.
• Paying at the pump used to consist of swiping a card and selecting an octane. I went to Kroger’s gas station yesterday and had to enter my Kroger Plus card number, then swipe my card, then answer yes/no questions on 3 separate screens, and then enter my billing zip code, and then finally choose the octane, only to discover my gas pump had the slowest flow in the world. Probably because it has a comfort grip handle.

See? See? Hasn’t this stuff been annoying you?! Scientists: hold off for a bit on the features and develop things that start faster, please. Once we’ve got everything humming along at lightning speed like you see on TV and in the movies, THEN we can go back to features. Deal?

Oh, and don’t think you’re getting away without a trademarked theory. I declare this phenomenon the Eating Scraps Effect ™ because manufacturers distract you with features until you don’t notice that you have to wait every time you want to use something, similarly to how William Wallace described the Scottish nobles as “so concerned with squabbling for the scraps from Longshank’s table that you’ve missed your God given right to something better.”

I know what you’re thinking: two Seriously?! posts about television networks, back to back? The economy is in bad shape, man, and it affects everyone. Or I watched a little too much TV this week. So, did you happen to catch any of the programming on NBC last night, namely The Office and 30 Rock? If you did, you may now loose the wire around your neck – it’s not worth killing yourself. If you didn’t, I just want you to know that this blog post is not exaggerated – these things actually occurred on this planet in this dimension in this country in my living room.

Apparently it is “Green Week” or something (didn’t know that) and NBC is the most liberally-biased network there is (did know that), which is a very annoying combination. Before I tell you what happened, let me refresh you with our classic TGM political disclaimers. I am neither conservative nor liberal on all matters, and I do not fall into either of the groups in the two one-party system. If NBC was ultra-conservative instead of liberal, and it was like “Gun Week” or something, then I would be equally annoyed. Glad we cleared that up. So, what hoopla went on last night, besides a pot-head scoring 3 TDs against Carolina?

I’ll start with a list of topics in the “hot debate” category that were force-fed down our throats with a big, smug, liberal spoon (probably made out of recycled cardboard):

• Zero carbon footprint (The Office)
• Fluorescent lights (30 Rock)
• Green week (The Office/30 Rock)
• Socialism (The Office)
• Biodegradable objects (The Office)
• Earth-friendly sun tea (30 Rock)
• Homosexuality (The Office/30 Rock)
• How bad aerosols are for the atmosphere (The Office)
• Endangered whales (30 Rock)
• Big corporations are evil (The Office)
• CEOs who spend unnecessary money should be “thrown in jail” (direct quote – The Office)

Seriously, NBC?!

That is just a partial list. I only watched about half of 30 Rock, which equals about 11 minutes, so if you combine that with 22 minutes of The Office, that is a total of 33 minutes of actual shows. You read that list and you start to wonder if there was any actual “show” at all. I guess it’s a testament to NBC’s knack for comedy that the answer to that question is yes, there were actually still quite a few funny moments (although down from the regular average).

My wife pointed this out to me. She noted how we go through each day inundated with ideals, politics, opinions, and controversy. We finally get the chance to sit down at 9 o’clock at night and turn off our brains for a half hour of laughter, and the last thing we want is more ideals and politics, but NBC apparently disagrees. Have you seen SNL recently? It hasn’t always been so political, but nowadays it is probably the most politically-charged, liberal show in the entire world (another NBC show).

I know more than one person who has stopped watching The Office because of how much Micheal Scott reminds them of their own bosses. I have yet to meet someone who has stopped because they can’t stand to hear any more about liberalism. I can tell you right now, I’m not going to be that person who stops. However, if you are that person, and you are strong enough to actually quit, please let me know so I can never accept your challenge in any sort of self-control contest.

For what it’s worth, I am drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee out of a styrofoam cup as I write this, and I promise I will throw it in the styrofoam recycling bin when I’m done – don’t worry.

What is the difference between Left wing vs. Right wing politics? It seems like everyone’s an expert when it comes to this, and most people I have met are either Liberal or Conservative – despising the other party. Liberals hate Limbaugh, Beck, and Fox News. Conservatives hate Gore, Jackson, and CNN. That’s the way it is. Well I consider myself a little different, and I’m not saying this to toot my own horn or to cop out of the debate, but I can actually see both sides! That’s why I love this infographic. Check it out – it’s a beautiful, almost perfect side-by-side comparison of the Left versus the Right when it comes to government. Seems to be very accurate, and easy to understand (click to enlarge):

(Image taken from here)

I know this is a lot of information to take in, but if I can just direct your attention near the bottom of the image under the Beliefs section, you will see what is in my opinion the crux of the matter: freedom vs. equality. They both sound like good things right? But which is more important? The Left says Equality, the Right says Freedom. It’s up to you to decide for yourself what you believe, and it is your right to believe whatever you want.

Now, why did I say this infographic was almost perfect? Because it’s missing the rest of the political spectrum, or more specifically, Libertarianism (and conversely Totalitarianism). Do you want personal freedom or economic freedom? If you want both, then maybe you should look a little closer at what else is out there besides the two-party system (aka one-party system) that you may have trapped yourself in.

There you have it, a political blog post brought to you by TGM. If I have alienated any of my readers (I know you’re mostly teenybopper fangirls of Katy Perry) then I offer this as my consolation: Twitter still sucks. There, now we’re back on track! Twitter’s so fat it uses a dreamcatcher as a belly button ring. Daaaaaamn!

Now I have offended all of the people on the Internet.

If people are scared of evil and want to run from it, the only place to run would be somewhere that’s not evil. By definition, the only place that is not evil is a place where God is. Isn’t that exactly where the devil doesn’t want people to go? It doesn’t make sense that he would make evil come off as scary/repulsive/unattractive to people, because his only goal is to get people to turn from God and follow him. The fact that somehow the devil tricked us into thinking evil is something that it’s not – THAT is evil.

The most important thing to take away from this is that hell is not dark, depressing, and full of physical agony as the world stereotypes it. Hell is exactly like Earth, but without God. You can take part in anything you want forever and ever in hell. You can eat forever, do drugs to obtain an eternal high, have sex as much as you like, and be nice to people as much as you want. You will realize the true meaning of hell when you find out that those things have stopped making you happy and there is nothing else to consume. That is hell.

A) The government should protect us from ourselves.

B) The government should protect us from others.

I am a Libertarian because of the 10th Ammendment, because I value my freedom, because I want to spend my money in whatever manner I desire, and most importantly because I believe the end result of our current one-party political system (the republican-democrat party, it’s just one big party) is Nazi Germany.

Yes, I busted out the Nazis. And I’m completely 100% confident in saying that.

I’ve been a Libertarian for some time, but a friend of mine recently introduced me to the following video, which I obviously just ate up (thanks Phil). It’s called the Obama Deception.

Did I mention I love conspiracy theories? 9/11 was not the result of terrorists – that’s another good one. If you liked The Obama Deception, watch a video called 911 Mysteries and decide for yourself. I don’t know if it’s true because I don’t have enough facts, but it’s interesting nonetheless.

I’m always thinking about the super powers I wish I had. Would it be better to fly or be invisible? Duh, fly. If you said invisible you’re one of three things: a) a thief, b) a cheater, or c) a depressed recluse. Think about it, if you could fly you would never have to pay for gas, a car, or insurance again. Plus you’d save tons of time. You would just need a helmet for the bugs. And probably a blanket for the cold air higher in the atmosphere. And you wouldn’t be able to listen to music like you would in a car because it would be so loud all the time with the wind blowing in your ears. And how tiring would it be? It’s hard enough to run for a sustained period of time. OK, so there are a few small holes in my logic.

So you have your super powers that we all know are just a fantasy and no one really has. What I’m concerned with are the less-than-super powers. These are powers that a lot of people do have. Powers that would make everyday life so much easier if only I was blessed with them.

I’m not complaining about my lot in life by any means. I know with every helpful power comes an annoying trait, it’s just how life balances out. All I’m doing here is pointing out the powers that I wish I had, and if you, one of my myriad of readers, possess one of these powers, consider yourself lucky. And disliked by me.

Here are 5 everyday powers I wish I had.

5. The power to remember someone’s name

No matter how intensely I invoke every last fiber of power my memory has, I simply can’t remember someone’s name after I meet them. I channel all of my energy and let everything else in the world slip away except the 5 to 10 letters that make up the name of the person I am introducing myself to. But as soon as I make eye contact with this new person I immediately become an awkward bumbling mess of pleasantries and fake smiles, and it is at that point that I realize they have already said their name and I have lost my chance.

It almost seems like sometimes the person slips their name in there at the least likely place so cunningly that I don’t even have a chance to begin with. The worst part about the whole thing is the person always remembers my name.

This is specifically annoying when you start a new job and you have to remember 100 brand new names but everyone else only has to remember your name. Well I am so terrible at name remembering that I am the only guy in the office that doesn’t remember the new employee’s name. That’s a shame.

The Workaround

To supplement myself enough to still function in the world I have compiled an arsenal of socially acceptable alternate names that I am free to use on anyone I desire. Hey bro, what’s up? Dude, look who it is! Let’s bounce, playa. Yo bromide mcdizzle, what’s crackalackin? Ay bay bay!

Then they become distracted by my weirdness and forget I never said their name. Works like a charm!

4. The power to stop eating before I’m full

This is an important power to have for a number of reasons. First of all, it helps you to not get real fat. Actually that might be the only reason. But that’s enough to make me want it.

The Workaround

Drink Diet Coke instead of regular, and stop putting cream and sugar in your coffee. I’m serious, sometimes that’s all it takes. I lost 40 pounds doing precisely that. Oh yeah and I started running 12 miles a week. Is it worth all that effort to have the pleasure of eating until I can no longer move? Umm, absolutely.

3. The power to not get excited by celebrity gossip

Yeah, you heard me. I get excited by celebrity gossip. It’s not a conscious thing, it’s more of an involuntary reaction like when the doctor hits your knee with a mallet. So you see, it’s not my fault because I have no control over it, and therefore it is not a power that I can willingly learn. It has to be given to you at birth.

Celebrities are just people but dumber and with more money. And yet I get upset when Jennifer Aniston and John Mayer break up. How could this be? Who broke up with who? Why did it happen? Did someone cheat? Gosling and McAdams are back together!?! Shut up I knew it!

This is unacceptable both as a man and, heck, a decent human. I don’t want to say that I support this industry, because I absolutely despise it. I’d rather be dragged through black plague sewage with my mouth and eyes open than be thought of as someone who supports Hollywood gossip. But I will admit that I have been known to linger just a bit longer on E! News while I’m flipping channels than is to be expected.

The Workaround

I seriously can’t think of a workaround for this. In exchange for not offering a workaround I’ll let you make fun of me to my face. But then you have to pass my manliness test or else I get to kick you in the privates.

2. The power to want to read a book

I know a lot of people with this power. I know people that can put away a book in a day. A thick book. With no pictures. I just can’t fathom what it must be like to possess such an extraordinary power. If I read for more than 30 minutes at a time I start to get all antsy and distracted by anything shiny.

Maybe it’s because I’m afraid to get into a book that’s no good and realize I wasted two months of my life getting halfway through it. Do I waste another two months finishing it just so I can tell people I read it, or do I get out while I still can?

Oh actually I just realized what the problem is. I am a slow reader.

The Workaround

This is one of those powers that you can easily work around. “Have you read The Da Vinci Code?” “Sure, I read it.” And by “read” I mean watched the movie. “Have you read Moby Dick?” “Of course, twice.” And by “twice” I mean listened to an abridged version on my iPod and watched a cartoon version when I was a kid.

I just want to say a personal thank you to all the people who spend their time reading books and translating them into screenplays so I don’t have to waste my time. And for the record, I just want to say that I actually read Jurassic Park and can honestly say the movie was way better than the book.

Have you completely lost faith in the future of mankind yet? I hope not, because we’re moving on to number one.

1. The power to drive the speed limit

I am aware that driving over the speed limit will get me to my destination a negligible amount of time sooner. I realize that cops can detect my speed even if they are in front of me going the same direction. I understand that slowing down just a bit is probably better for my car, the cars around me, and my overall stress levels in life. So, what’s your point?

You know what else I realize? How fattening fast food is. Did that stop me from getting a McGriddle this morning? No.

I don’t care about the reasons I should slow down that all you old folks keep spouting off. If there is a car doing 65 in the fast lane and I’m right behind him, he better by God get over. If there is a car doing 95 in the fast lane and I’m right behind him, he still better gtf over.

I don’t know why I have this problem. I don’t know why I must always be going as fast as possible. I can’t explain why seeing the back of another car right in front of me sets me into a fiery angerful rage. Wouldn’t it be nice to, just once, go the speed limit? I can only imagine, because I have never, ever, willingly done so.

One time I tried but I swear my car took over and made itself go 10 mph over the limit. I’m half serious about that, but I swear it was truly a task that took all of my willpower to do. I was sweating and paranoid by the end of it. I kept having hallucinations of an angry driver right on my tail cursing me and invoking the gods to strike my car with a huge boulder and wipe me off the face of the Earth.

If you possess the power to drive the speed limit without it ruining your life, I am truly humbled by you and I hope you don’t take your powers for granted. Use them for good, not evil. By that I mean gtf over if I’m behind you.

The Workaround

The only person who is allowed to tell me how fast to travel is Mr. Highway Patrolman. It’s between me and him, and we’ve had our share of reckonings. 14 to be precise.

I get a ticket once every year or two. The highway cops and I have come to an agreement that this is the way it’s going to be. When I get a ticket it’s not so much a “penalty” as it is a “renewal of my membership for the speedy drivers club”. I pay a hundred and fifty bones every year or so and I can drive 15 over the speed limit whenever and wherever I want. The cops get their money and I get my freedom – it’s a win/win situation. Besides if you break it down it’s less than 10 bucks a month.

That’s why.

Let me tell you about a new theory that is blowing the minds of scientists and philosophizers ’round the globe. It’s called Pop Aversion Theory™ (PAT™) and it was discovered by the same great mind that brought us Reference Burst Theory™. Mine.

I recently took a movie compatibility quiz on Facebook because I was sick of getting requests from friends to see if we had the same taste in movies. As an aside, I can already tell you we aren’t going to have the same taste in movies if one of your favorite “films” is Pirates of the Caribbean, which sadly includes more than one of my Facebook friends.

While taking the quiz I noticed the first film I was supposed to rate was Titanic, and I proceeded to rate it 5 out of 5 stars without thinking twice. It wasn’t until after I finished the quiz, while I was reviewing my friends’ results, that I found out I’m in a very small minority of Titanic-lovers. I thought this was strange because I remember everyone liking it when it first came out. In fact, after reviewing 25 of my friends’ results (50% male, 50% female), I noticed there was only one person who rated Titanic above 3 stars besides me.

What’s infinitely more disturbing is that there was only one person who rated Pirates of the Caribbean BELOW 3 stars.

Ahem.

WHAT THE F**K??!!!??

About every other Tuesday or so, it seems, something happens that makes me lose faith in humanity. This is one of those Tuesdays.

So, what unstoppable force of nature is causing the immovable object of bad opinion to favor the superficial shiny-but-empty summer blockbuster Pirates over the truly epic and one-of-a-kind love/drama that is Titanic? I have discovered that it actually doesn’t have much to do with the quality of film-making present in either film, believe it or not.

I know all of this because in my research I’ve performed a few experiments. I make it a point to mentally record the reactions people have when the movie Titanic comes up. Most of the time it is just a dismissing grunt or sound that indicates the film is much too trivial to take up any of their time talking about. That’s when I usually hit them with it. After ensuring I am in fact in the presence of a Titanic-hater, I proceed to tell them “Oh I thought it was great. It’s one of my favorite movies.” Usually this statement is met with shock and awe. How could I, a 26 year old football-watching beer-drinking chest-hair-having manly manly guy speak such blasphemy? It’s almost as if I just told them The Hills is my favorite TV show.

Compare that to another experiment I do with the opposite angle but the same outcome. I have specifically singled out Pirates of the Caribbean, not because I mean to pick on the film (it’s directed by the same guy that directed The Weatherman – one of my favorite movies), but because it’s such a good example of a film that people just inherently think they’re supposed to like without actually evaluating. When this movie comes up in conversation, most people claim to at least like it, if not love it, and after hearing that I do not share their sentiment, go through the same shock and awe as experiment #1.

Here comes the proof. When we get down to the heart of the matter, which happens when I ask these people why they loved Pirates and hated Titanic, we finally see the effects of PAT™ hard at work and can prove it’s existence. Here are common explanations I’ve heard for the “greatness” of Pirates:

“Johnny Depp.”
“Orlando Bloom.”
“Kiera Knightly.”
“The ride at Disney World is sweet!”
“It’s awesome.”
“The FX are stunning.”
“It’s such a fun movie!”
“Johnny Depp.”
“How can you not like it?”
“Johnny Depp’s face and body.”

Which one of those explanations should be the basis for rating a movie 5 out of 5 stars? If just once someone would describe it using phrases like “amazing acting”, “awesome plot”, “so realistic”, “unlike any other movie”, “invokes strong emotion”, or “has David Bowie in the cast” I would shut up and publicly discredit my precious PAT™.

Conversely, here are some common explanations for the popular aversion to Titanic:

“Played out.”
“Stupid.”
“Girl movie.”
“Some people saw it 17 times at the theaters. That’s sick.”
“Just a love story.”
“Way too long.”
“Just a sad excuse for a really long love story.”
“I hate Leonardo DiCaprio.”
“Most of it is boring.”
“It has that stupid Celine Dion song in it.”
“It’s way way way too long.”

First of all, none of these responses warrant a 1 star rating. If you think about it, you can use some of these same phrases to describe universally-hailed films such as Braveheart, The Departed, and The Green Mile. I have yet to hear a concrete example of why Titanic is such a bad film.

And now we come to it. The reason I’ve not heard a concrete example is because the reason is not consciously known to the person with the opinion, and consequently can’t be put into words. The reason is that people were so bombarded by how insanely popular Titanic was – how mainstream it became, how much money it made (highest grossing film of all time), how much girls loved it, how it spawned a sappy #1 radio hit – that they decided they hated it, not because it was a bad movie, but because everyone else loved it so much. Pop Aversion Theory™ at it’s finest.

Titanic made more money by a LONG shot than any other movie in history. That means A LOT of people REALLY liked it. What happened to all these people? The film did well with critics, too – although even critics are not immune to PAT™. The reason they tend to get it right more often than the rest of us (in general) is because they usually submit their reviews before the film is released, and therefore before the public has had a chance to create the aversion needed to spawn a PAT™ attack.

You don’t have to like Titanic. I’m sure you are going to spout off your much more sophisticated reasons for not liking Titanic in the comments. I, however, do love Titanic, despite the sour taste its “titanic” popularity left in my mouth, because of the acting (superb cast), the realism, the immense scope, the one-of-a-kind nature, the director (Terminator series), the cinematography & visually-immersing style, the story, the FX, the music (James Horner’s soundtrack is beautifully haunting), and the emotions it evoked in me (dread, love, sadness, terror) – I was on the edge of my seat for the entire last hour and a half of the movie.

The moral of the story is, make your own opinions. If you hated Titanic that’s perfectly fine, I just hope you can support your opinion with good examples.

More examples of things affected by PAT™ are Coldplay, The Matrix 2 & 3, Survivor, Dave Matthews Band, and American Idol. Believe it or not, I’ve talked to a number of people that haven’t even seen Survivor or listened to Dave and yet have somehow developed an immense hatred for them. I know I’m missing some really good examples that I had previously thought of, but my mind just went blank.

One more thing. I have cleverly phrased my new theory in a manner that will make its acronym form easy to remember. It obviously has a very bad connotation – you do not want to be associated with PAT™. You also don’t want to be associated with the New England Patriots. If you are a PATs fan, you probably also fall victim to the allure of PAT™ quite often because you obviously have a small brain. PAT™ = Pats.

At least, that’s what they think. The Westboro Baptist Church is protesting across from the convention center, which is where the Southern Baptist Convention is being held this week. They’re the ones with the God Hates Fags website.

I saw them on my way to work this morning. There’s even a little kid out there holding a sign that says “Your Pastor Is A Whore”. I’m really just amazed at how they have managed to hate everyone in the world. Here is a list of people they hate: homosexuals, Catholics, Muslims, Jews, Chinese, Canadians, Mexicans, Swedes, Irish, British, and Americans. Now, the WBC, which calls itself Baptist, hates Southern Baptists.

I just think the WBC is a good case study for people who are trying to grow their church and reach out to people. They’ve got it going on, in my opinion, and I think in the end it will work.

I have one more thought about these picketers. I noticed that there were about 6 protesters and about 9 police officers standing behind them, making sure no one throws a molotov cocktail directly at their eyes and faces. Do you realize how much of a waste of resources this is? There are 9 police officers, earning their well deserved $28k per year, who have been effectively incapacitated and removed from the system in order to make sure no one kills these people.

I guarantee you a crime will be committed against a person somewhere out there today that would not have happened if those extra 9 cops were on patrol.

Of course, there will also be 9 less speeding tickets given out. Maybe the WBC isn’t so bad after all…

Check out this short preview clip of a BBC documentary called The Most Hated Family In America:

“Fags eat feces. That’s a fact, hon.” REALLY? Wow.

Here’s the whole documentary:

On my daily web surf I came across this disturbing article. It details a guy who lives for hypermiling, which is a method of increasing your car’s gas mileage by making skillful changes in the way you drive, allowing you to save gas and thereby have an easier time withstanding the rising oil and gas prices.

I am losing hope in humanity.

You know how you want to tear out your hair when you’re stuck behind a stupid driver? Wait, backup… what’s a stupid driver? I’m glad you asked, here are just a few examples:

• Someone who drives too slowly and doesn’t let you pass them (causes annoyance)
• Someone who does something you are not expecting on the road (causes accidents)
• Someone who drives selfishly (causes road rage)
• Someone who doesn’t turn right on red (causes baby puppies to commit suicide)

All of these drivers are stupid drivers. Yes, they’re stupid drivers. OK, so now that you know what I’m talking about I’ll ask that question again. You know how you want to tear out your hair when you’re stuck behind a stupid driver? Well guess what: through careful scientific analysis and research I have been able to pinpoint the exact source of all stupid drivers. This has never been done before!

All hypermilers are stupid drivers

Hypermiling requires driving like an idiot. It involves things like accelerating very very slowly, avoiding stopping/starting, taking 25mph turns at 50mph, driving on the shoulder during rain, and turning your engine on and off while in motion! Well, that nails 3/4 of the examples I mentioned above. It probably nails the 4th one too, since turning right on red usually requires a somewhat speedy acceleration as to get into the flow of already moving cross traffic.

Aside from the obvious reasons that hypermilers are stupid drivers, let me touch on a reason that might not be so obvious. The reason these people drive like this is to save money on gas. It’s also done so you can brag about it, as I guarantee you there isn’t a single hypermiler who hasn’t blabbed about his fuel economy eliteness to all of his friends and family.

Let’s take an intermediate hypermiler who has increased gas mileage from 20 to 25 mpg. At $4 per gallon and an average of 300 miles driven a week, this hypermiler went from paying $240 to $192 per month for gas: a savings of about $50. You might be thinking to yourself, “wow, that’s not so bad – maybe I’ll try a few of these techniques and keep it on the downlow.” Not so fast, idiot head.

Did you not hear what the techniques are? They are A) illegal, B) really annoying, and C) bad for your car. Let’s look at the example of taking an off ramp at twice its 25mph posted speed limit. In Indiana, speeding at 25 or more miles over the speed limit is reckless driving, so there’s some fun possible jail time for you. Also, if you’re so concerned about saving a dime, think about the unnecessary strain you’re putting on your car, such as the steering column, axles, wheels, tires, and nuts & bolts that generally hold your car together. One turn taken too fast isn’t going to do anything (unless maybe if you own a Dodge). But a thousand tire-squealing double-speed interstate exit ramps is definitely going to take significant life off your car. Was it worth the money, genius?

One last thought, and this is the most important one to me personally. We spend an average of 5 years and 5 months driving during our lifetime. You could spend that 5.4 years relaxed, listening to some tunes, driving with the flow of traffic, and not being stressed. Or you could spend it drifting through four-way stops and almost side swiping vehicles that have the right-of-way, getting to work late because you do zero to 60 in 14 minutes, and causing your passengers nausea every time you take an exit ramp.

Choose want you want, but I’m considering my $50 per month the price for comfort and ease on the road (as much as can be attained). You can spend the $50 you saved on medication for your stress-induced ulcer.

And know this: I’ve seen a lot of angry, angry regular drivers who are stuck behind stupid drivers. The minute they catch wind of the concept of hypermilers and are able to put a face to their hatred, you better hope your car still knows how to accelerate quickly.