I have talked before about how it feels like we live in the future because of all the awesome things we have, no? Maybe that’s one of my 27 drafts that are waiting to be finished. In any case – cell phones, man. How in the heck can we talk to whoever we want with no delay? Also – flat panel TVs, dude. Do you realize we are seeing a crystal clear, insanely bright, fifty-five inch wide, high resolution image on an apparatus that is less than an inch thick? That’s a far cry from the overhead projectors we had in school. Oh and – the Internet. Think about that one. You can carry around a sleek little netbook and have access to EVERYTHING IN THE WORLD from almost ANY PUBLIC PLACE.

I have said that to say this: you’d think that in a world with iPhones, organic LED TVs, and Internet everywhere, everything else would follow suit and get better and faster. You’d be wrong. I’m about to point out something in the following sentences that you’ve never consciously noticed, but has been driving you crazy. Sort of like when someone finally turns off a device that has been making a bunch of background noise all along and you suddenly realize how annoying it was once they turn it off.

We can all agree that technology is great – that is, once it’s up and running. It’s the getting it up and running part that I take issue with.

Here is the problem as I see it: gadgets and gizmos are getting smarter, more sophisticated, more complicated, and able to do so much more than they ever did. Well that’s good. Good for you. But, there is one thing missing: THINGS TAKE FOR FREAKING EVER TO START UP. Let me explain. 20 years ago I bought an original Nintendo console with the help of my parents. Here’s what happened next: 1) I put a game in, 2) I pushed the power button, 3) I entered a state of gaming bliss. That was it.

Conversely, 2 years ago I bought a Nintendo Wii. Here’s what happened next: 1) I pushed the power button, 2) I waited for it to load, 3) I ate a pastrami sandwich, 4) I hit A to get past the first warning screen, 5) I got to the menu, 6) I put a game in, 7) I waited for it to load the game, 8 ) I ate a Totino’s pizza, 9) I clicked on the game, 10) I waited for the game menu to load, 11) I hit A to get past the second warning screen, 12) I clicked “play”, 13) I clicked “yes I’m sure”, 14) I waited for the game to load AGAIN, 15) ANOTHER warning screen, 16) I finally saw the actual game menu.

WARNING EVERYONE, BE CAREFUL WITH YOUR WII DEVICES. THINGS CAN HAPPEN. YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT’S GOING TO HAPPEN!!!

Delicious. Do not eat if you are older than 15 years of age or you will literally get fat immediately.

And after all of that, I still had to complete several more steps – which I won’t list – and go through several more screens of loading various components before I even got to do anything.

With all of the effort involved in playing a simple game, is it even worth it? Sometimes I have 5 extra minutes where I feel like taking a load off and beating one level of a game. NOT POSSIBLE with a Nintendo Wii (or any other modern gaming console). It takes 5 minutes just to get everything up and running. I don’t want to have to schedule a time to play a video game.

“Well, TGM, I’m not a gamer, so your new theory doesn’t apply to me.” Actually it does, or at least it will very very soon. Ready for this little nugget? I have a state-of-the-art 52″ flat panel Samsung TV. Whether you realize it or not, one day so will you. Here’s what you can look forward to.

When I press the power button on my remote, it takes 35 seconds before I see an image. THIRTY-FIVE. What in the hoot-nanny could possibly be taking so long? I have ordered a meal from McDonald’s, driven to the first window, paid, driven to the second window, waited for several people to assemble and prepare multiple food items, received my food, and taken a bite of a french fry IN LESS TIME THAN THAT. When I used to have an analog TV with an electron gun in it (so old!) it would take around 5 – 8 seconds for me to see an image. ONLY FIVE TO EIGHT.

I love the Grassy Field & Trees channel.

Now, I realize it’s because the HDMI cables are carrying commands from my digital cable box to my TV via my 7.1 channel Onkyo receiver, which itself has to process the picture and sound through any number of its internal THX decoders and processors, and then it has to sync everything up, and there’s a million other things going on that I probably don’t understand. Yeah, that stuff’s pretty cool. But you’re missing the point, Samsung. You’re still not getting it, Onkyo. Why aren’t you paying attention, Motorola Comcast Cable Box? Go faster.

Isn’t this supposed to be the future? It sure sounds like it to me. Just say the year we’re in and it sounds like the future. “Twenty Ten”. That is definitely the future. If you asked anyone 15 years ago what they thought of when they heard the phrase “Twenty Ten”, they would say, “That’s totally in the future. Everything will be futuristic. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go watch Friends followed by Seinfeld on NBC Thursday night must-see TV. Whoops, hold on, someone’s paging me.”

Don’t even get me started on my BluRay player. ZOMG. I am absolutely not exaggerating in any way when I tell you this: it takes up to a minute and 30 seconds from a cold start to when it actually loads my disc. “But TGM, that sounds pretty normal to me.” Orly? Think back to your VCR. You put a VHS tape in and that son of a bitch would start playing immediately. BOOM. Watch your movie.

“I am neither a game player nor a movie watcher. So it still doesn’t apply to me.” Yes it does. Have you ever turned on a computer? This one really gets me. The other stuff – OK, take forever, that’s fine – it’s just fun and games. But a computer? You use computers for work. FOR WORKING. Yet, from a cold start, it can take several minutes for a computer’s processor to stop frantically churning so that you can actually open a program. Have you ever tried to click a program before the computer has fully loaded? And then nothing happens, so you click it again, and then two of them finally open? Arrrgh – frustration!!

Think about it. Processors are exponentially faster than they used to be with multiple cores and hyper threading and all that stuff. Memory is thousands of times bigger than what it used to be. Hard drives have higher RPMs and millions of times more storage space than they used to have. Yet it still takes the same amount of time, and even longer in some cases, to boot up your HP Pavilion Touch Screen Ultra PC as it did to boot up your Packard Bell 386 two decades ago.

What can possibly come next? Intel Core 3: The Most High.

More really good examples that you’ve probably experienced:

• My first cell phone 11 years ago turned on when I pressed the power button. My current cell phone takes up to 45 seconds to complete a cold start. Probably because it has more ring tones.
• My first 5-disc CD player could startup in 5 seconds and change discs in 10 seconds. My current Philips 5-disc shelf system literally takes a full minute to start up and takes 15 seconds to change discs. Probably because it has a USB port.
• My VCR could fast-forward the warnings at the beginning of movies. My BluRay player blocks me from pressing any buttons during warning screens, and also has twice as many of them to boot. Probably because it can stream Netflix.
• Paying at the pump used to consist of swiping a card and selecting an octane. I went to Kroger’s gas station yesterday and had to enter my Kroger Plus card number, then swipe my card, then answer yes/no questions on 3 separate screens, and then enter my billing zip code, and then finally choose the octane, only to discover my gas pump had the slowest flow in the world. Probably because it has a comfort grip handle.

See? See? Hasn’t this stuff been annoying you?! Scientists: hold off for a bit on the features and develop things that start faster, please. Once we’ve got everything humming along at lightning speed like you see on TV and in the movies, THEN we can go back to features. Deal?

Oh, and don’t think you’re getting away without a trademarked theory. I declare this phenomenon the Eating Scraps Effect ™ because manufacturers distract you with features until you don’t notice that you have to wait every time you want to use something, similarly to how William Wallace described the Scottish nobles as “so concerned with squabbling for the scraps from Longshank’s table that you’ve missed your God given right to something better.”

(click the image for a larger view, or click here for the original hi-res size)

If seeing the bottom (or should I say lack thereof) of that pit does not strike an uncanny fear into your heart then I don’t know what will. Is this how frightening a black hole is? What even is a black hole? This puts into perspective how scary those probably are.

I know what you’re thinking: two Seriously?! posts about television networks, back to back? The economy is in bad shape, man, and it affects everyone. Or I watched a little too much TV this week. So, did you happen to catch any of the programming on NBC last night, namely The Office and 30 Rock? If you did, you may now loose the wire around your neck – it’s not worth killing yourself. If you didn’t, I just want you to know that this blog post is not exaggerated – these things actually occurred on this planet in this dimension in this country in my living room.

Apparently it is “Green Week” or something (didn’t know that) and NBC is the most liberally-biased network there is (did know that), which is a very annoying combination. Before I tell you what happened, let me refresh you with our classic TGM political disclaimers. I am neither conservative nor liberal on all matters, and I do not fall into either of the groups in the two one-party system. If NBC was ultra-conservative instead of liberal, and it was like “Gun Week” or something, then I would be equally annoyed. Glad we cleared that up. So, what hoopla went on last night, besides a pot-head scoring 3 TDs against Carolina?

I’ll start with a list of topics in the “hot debate” category that were force-fed down our throats with a big, smug, liberal spoon (probably made out of recycled cardboard):

• Zero carbon footprint (The Office)
• Fluorescent lights (30 Rock)
• Green week (The Office/30 Rock)
• Socialism (The Office)
• Biodegradable objects (The Office)
• Earth-friendly sun tea (30 Rock)
• Homosexuality (The Office/30 Rock)
• How bad aerosols are for the atmosphere (The Office)
• Endangered whales (30 Rock)
• Big corporations are evil (The Office)
• CEOs who spend unnecessary money should be “thrown in jail” (direct quote – The Office)

Seriously, NBC?!

That is just a partial list. I only watched about half of 30 Rock, which equals about 11 minutes, so if you combine that with 22 minutes of The Office, that is a total of 33 minutes of actual shows. You read that list and you start to wonder if there was any actual “show” at all. I guess it’s a testament to NBC’s knack for comedy that the answer to that question is yes, there were actually still quite a few funny moments (although down from the regular average).

My wife pointed this out to me. She noted how we go through each day inundated with ideals, politics, opinions, and controversy. We finally get the chance to sit down at 9 o’clock at night and turn off our brains for a half hour of laughter, and the last thing we want is more ideals and politics, but NBC apparently disagrees. Have you seen SNL recently? It hasn’t always been so political, but nowadays it is probably the most politically-charged, liberal show in the entire world (another NBC show).

I know more than one person who has stopped watching The Office because of how much Micheal Scott reminds them of their own bosses. I have yet to meet someone who has stopped because they can’t stand to hear any more about liberalism. I can tell you right now, I’m not going to be that person who stops. However, if you are that person, and you are strong enough to actually quit, please let me know so I can never accept your challenge in any sort of self-control contest.

For what it’s worth, I am drinking Dunkin Donuts coffee out of a styrofoam cup as I write this, and I promise I will throw it in the styrofoam recycling bin when I’m done – don’t worry.

What is the difference between Left wing vs. Right wing politics? It seems like everyone’s an expert when it comes to this, and most people I have met are either Liberal or Conservative – despising the other party. Liberals hate Limbaugh, Beck, and Fox News. Conservatives hate Gore, Jackson, and CNN. That’s the way it is. Well I consider myself a little different, and I’m not saying this to toot my own horn or to cop out of the debate, but I can actually see both sides! That’s why I love this infographic. Check it out – it’s a beautiful, almost perfect side-by-side comparison of the Left versus the Right when it comes to government. Seems to be very accurate, and easy to understand (click to enlarge):

(Image taken from here)

I know this is a lot of information to take in, but if I can just direct your attention near the bottom of the image under the Beliefs section, you will see what is in my opinion the crux of the matter: freedom vs. equality. They both sound like good things right? But which is more important? The Left says Equality, the Right says Freedom. It’s up to you to decide for yourself what you believe, and it is your right to believe whatever you want.

Now, why did I say this infographic was almost perfect? Because it’s missing the rest of the political spectrum, or more specifically, Libertarianism (and conversely Totalitarianism). Do you want personal freedom or economic freedom? If you want both, then maybe you should look a little closer at what else is out there besides the two-party system (aka one-party system) that you may have trapped yourself in.

There you have it, a political blog post brought to you by TGM. If I have alienated any of my readers (I know you’re mostly teenybopper fangirls of Katy Perry) then I offer this as my consolation: Twitter still sucks. There, now we’re back on track! Twitter’s so fat it uses a dreamcatcher as a belly button ring. Daaaaaamn!

Now I have offended all of the people on the Internet.

The tallest structure ever built is complete. The Burj Dubai has been under construction since 2004, located in Dubai, UAE (that’s in the Middle East if you don’t know). It is one of the most beautiful buildings I’ve ever seen, in one of the most beautiful cities (structurally) I’ve ever seen. It is 2,684 feet tall with 160 floors, and it’s GIGANTIC. The record for tallest skyskraper in the world has been broken several times recently, but the Burj Dubai not only broke the record, it broke the record for how much a record was broken by. To give you an idea of how tall this building is, let me show you some images and compare it with other supertall buildings.

To the left you can see the tower as it nears completion. Do not adjust your television set, that is a real image of the tower. I know, I know, you just realized it is now the future. Happened to me too. The tower is a half-mile high, and it can hold 35,000 people. Just imagine waiting for an elevator at the end of the work day. Of course, since the building houses offices and residential spaces (and hotels and restaurants to boot), your rush hour commute could potentially consist of an elevator ride from the 150th floor to the 107th floor. That is, if you’re super rich.

Speaking of elevators, Burj Dubai has 56 of them, which are capable of speeds up to 40 mph (a world record). You still want more trivia? Ok, the air outside the building is 11 degrees cooler at the top than the base, and the top of the tower can sway 4 feet during strong winds. It took 22 million man hours to complete. All 700 private residences between the 45th and 108th floors sold out within 8 hours of being on the market.

So just how tall is Burj Dubai? Well, for a long time the tallest building in the world was the Empire State Building, which stands at 1250 feet with 102 floors:

After 42 years of owning the record, the Empire State Building was destroyed by aliens on July 4th. Just kidding, it was surpassed when the World Trade Center towers were built, which stood 1368 feet and had 110 floors, beating the previous record by 118 feet:

Is it just me or were those towers ugly? Well, they were surpassed in 1973 by Willis Tower (originally Sears Tower) which stands at 1450 feet and has 108 floors, beating the previous record by 82 feet:

Willis Tower held the record for a few decades until the Petronas Towers were built – the ones featured in the movie “Entrapment” with Sean Connery and Catherine Zeta-Jones. Well those are 1480 feet tall, beating the previous record by 30 feet:

They were the tallest buildings in the world from 1998 to 2004. Then, along came Taipei 101, built in Taipei, Taiwan. Completed in 2004, it is 1670 feet tall, breaking the previous record by around 200 feet:

Holy cow that’s tall. Well I’ve got news for you. None of these buildings compare with Burj Dubai. As mentioned, Burj Dubai is a whopping 2684 feet tall. That smashes the previous record by over 1000 feet! Ever since the Empire State Building, the record for tallest building in the world was broken by 118 feet, 82 feet, 30 feet, and 200 feet. You can add all those together and Burj Dubai smashes the record by more than double that number. Just take a look at this infographic to get a feel for the scale of the buildings:

Wow! Feast your eyes on these images of Burj Dubai. Keep in mind the buildings in Dubai are really tall, ultra modern buildings. Look at them compared to Burj Dubai. They seem so insignificant. Also, keep in mind that the exterior of the building was completed so recently (within the last week) that there aren’t even images out there yet of the finished product. The following images were taken before it was even at its full height:

Now that your mind has been fully blown, let me go one step further in classic TGM style. There is a building in the works that is going to blow Burj Dubai out of the water. Remember in Star Wars when you are actually able to fully fathom the size of the Death Star? You are only able to do so when you use relative objects. We start out grasping how extremely large a Star Destroyer is. Then we see how miniscule it is compared to a Super Star Destroyer. Then, and only then, are we able to grasp the sheer size of the Death Star, when we see that a Super Star Destroyer is only a dot compared to it.

In similar fashion we have taken a look at the tallest buildings ever built, and then shown how insignificant they are compared to Burj Dubai. Now, we are going to fully grasp the size of a building that is currently being built by comparing it to Burj Dubai. The building is called Nakheel Tower, and it is being built in – you guessed it – Dubai. It is going to be 4593 feet tall. That is almost a mile! Take a look at some of these renderings:

That second one is interesting because you can see some other buildings in the works around the world, including the China 117 Tower in China, the Freedom Tower (1 World Trade Tower) in New York, the Chicago Spire in Chicago, and the Abraj Al Bait Towers in Saudi Arabia. Some Buildings in the works not pictured are the Shangai Tower in China, the Pentominium in Dubai, the Burj Al Alam in (*yawn*) Dubai, and the Federation Tower in – hey – Moscow enters the ring!

As for local news, let’s check in on the progress of a beautiful skyscraper being built right here in my hometown of Indianapolis. The JW Marriott tower – the 7th tallest building in Indianapolis, the tallest hotel in Indiana, and tallest JW Marriott in the country – is coming along quite nicely:

It’s actually a lot taller than that now, but that’s the latest construction image I could find. Hope you enjoyed this post!

I personally prefer the theme called Tree because it changes with the weather. All you have to do is type in your city when you select the theme and it takes care of the rest. It’s awesome, and also very accurate. No joke – one time I was checking my email and saw that it was snowing on the screen behind my emails and then I turned my head and looked out the window and sure enough it was snowing. Had it not been for my Gmail theme I might have never known! Based on this principal I have thought of a really fun challenge that you can do. It’s pretty hard because I haven’t even been able to complete it yet. So it’s hard and it’s fun. At least it’s fun, though.

I have been using the Tree theme for about 4 months and up to this point I have only noticed about 4 different weather possibilities. That is until today, when my Gmail suddenly showed a dark and ominous sky that I had never seen before – even during rain. It scared me. It really really scared me. No it didn’t, but anyway I wanted to find out just how many different types of weather my theme was capable of showing me. It turns out there are a total of 12 possible variations of the Tree theme!

Here’s what I usually see:

And here’s what punched me in the face and gave me a dose of reality today:

So dark, I know! Really really scary. Not really, but you can imagine my shock nonetheless. Ever think you’re about to take a big swig of coke and it turns out to be ice tea? You have to be careful in this life. On with the challenge.

So the first ever (and probably last) TGM reader challenge is: can you find all 12? Here’s how to play:

1. Change your Gmail theme to “Tree”:
   • In Gmail, click Settings (top right)
   • Click the Themes tab
   • Click “Tree” (about halfway down the list)
   • Make sure your location is correct (below the list of themes)
2. Note your current weather and then have a look at all 12 possible weather conditions so you’ll know what yours is called (sunny? hazy? cloudy?)
3. Now here’s the hard part: change your city until you find all 12 conditions

So far I have been able to find 6 of the 12. The way I did it was to look at current weather maps and then change my city in Gmail to where it looks like that weather is. For instance, I saw a bunch of rain over Kentucky this morning, so I changed my city to Lexington in Gmail and just like that it was rainy and all my emails were wet (literally – this theme is sweet!)

Tip: each time you change your city, make sure you refresh your browser to see your new weather.

The 12 possibilities are:

1. sunny
2. hazy
3. windy
4. foggy
5. mostly cloudy
6. cloudy
7. rainy
8. stormy
9. thunderstorm
10. icy
11. flurries
12. snowy

Here are the ones I’ve found so far:

Sunny In El Paso

Mostly Cloudy In Cleveland

Cloudy In Alexandria (Louisiana)

Rainy In Lexington

And finally, I’ll help you out with a gem I was able to find today:

Hazy In Los Angeles

So, it’s up to you to find the 6 remaining weather conditions: windy, foggy, icy, thunderstorm, flurries, and snowy. Take a screenshot and post it in the comments (do my comments accept screenshots?) or at least the city, weather condition, and time. I bet thunderstorm is the rarest, and fog is probably hard to snag too. I wish they would add the following conditions: sleet, hail, tornado, hurricane, humid (90%+) and sweltering (100°+).

Good luck and enjoy the weather!

Watch all of these videos. They get really good towards the bottom. Hint hint. What I mean by hint hint is that is they get funny. You gotta be kidding me that I have to spell things out like that.

Yao Ming

Note the blatant travel right before the shot and the really bad high five at the end. If I was the official I don’t know which one I’d call. Ahhhh… Chinamen.

Kobe Bryant

Look how completely wide open Walton (#4) is after he sets his illegal moving pick. Yet Kobe takes the shot, despite being defended by two people. If he would’ve missed I would’ve been pissed if I was Walton.

Carmelo Anthony

The only guy to smile after he does something amazing. Everyone else gets all serious and angry at their amazing play, but Carmelo must be just having a good old time when he’s out there. Notice how a butt takes up 90% of the picture at the end.

Dwight Howard

See if you can spot the bald Bill Cosby in the stands after the dunk. Also of note: Tayshon Prince is a bitch.

LeBron James

There are no snide remarks I can make here. LeBron James is by far the best player in the NBA right now, and he is probably the funnest person to watch (although my money’s on Brian Scalabrine for a 1-on-1 matchup against any player). Fine – you want a cynical remark for this video? OK, watch Paul Pierce wince and contort his face like a baby as he rolls off the pick. I already know what kind of person Paul Pierce is in real life based solely on this video.

Teen Wolf

Only Teen Wolf could jump facing the basket, begin descending from his jump, and then suddenly be at the rim doing a backwards two-handed dunk. Only that Teen Wolf.

Brian Scalabrine Wanna-be

Any white guy who wears a headband and plays basketball will henceforth be referred to as Brian Scalabrine.

Sasha Vujacic (prounounced “voo-ya-chick” FYI)

If you want an example of how not to play defense, watch the following instructional video courtesy of Sasha Vooyabitch. Who is the person that tried to comfort him on the bench? Probably his mom or his grandma or his nanny or his wet nurse. Too far.

Eddie House Gets Slapped

This just happened like two days ago. The Celtics were winning by 20 and Eddie House is like “not enough, I’m going to make it 23″ and busts a three in Rafer Alston’s face. What is the logical next step if you’re Rafer Alston? Try to mount a comeback? Not let it bother you? Remember it’s just a game? NOT IF YOU’RE A REAL MAN. Open-hand bitch slap the guy who just hit the shot. That way you don’t get ejected since it’s not technically a “punch”, and a bonus is you knock the guy’s headband lose so maybe it will fall in his eyes the next time he attempts to make a fool out of you. DO NOT mess with Rafer Alston.

Kevin McHale – Best One Ever

I could go on and on about this one, but it speaks for itself. (The previous videos did not speak for themselves and I had to spell everything out for you so you would get the jokes and observations which you might not have otherwise gotten)

Celtics vs. Magic tonight at 7PM and Lakers vs. Rockets at 9PM, both on ESPN. More amazing stuff like this will probably happen, so you should watch them and become a part of the casual NBA playoff watching club.

If people are scared of evil and want to run from it, the only place to run would be somewhere that’s not evil. By definition, the only place that is not evil is a place where God is. Isn’t that exactly where the devil doesn’t want people to go? It doesn’t make sense that he would make evil come off as scary/repulsive/unattractive to people, because his only goal is to get people to turn from God and follow him. The fact that somehow the devil tricked us into thinking evil is something that it’s not – THAT is evil.

The most important thing to take away from this is that hell is not dark, depressing, and full of physical agony as the world stereotypes it. Hell is exactly like Earth, but without God. You can take part in anything you want forever and ever in hell. You can eat forever, do drugs to obtain an eternal high, have sex as much as you like, and be nice to people as much as you want. You will realize the true meaning of hell when you find out that those things have stopped making you happy and there is nothing else to consume. That is hell.

Pay close attention to the super-slow speed footage at 3:11. Where does the car go? I don’t know the answer to that. How do explosions happen? Where do things go? Who decides which pieces are left, how big they are, and where they land?