Hypermilers = Stupid Drivers
Posted on 19. May, 2008 by The Gimcracker in Gimcrackery, Theory & Philosophy
On my daily web surf I came across this disturbing article. It details a guy who lives for hypermiling, which is a method of increasing your car’s gas mileage by making skillful changes in the way you drive, allowing you to save gas and thereby have an easier time withstanding the rising oil and gas prices.
I am losing hope in humanity.
You know how you want to tear out your hair when you’re stuck behind a stupid driver? Wait, backup… what’s a stupid driver? I’m glad you asked, here are just a few examples:
- Someone who drives too slowly and doesn’t let you pass them (causes annoyance)
- Someone who does something you are not expecting on the road (causes accidents)
- Someone who drives selfishly (causes road rage)
- Someone who doesn’t turn right on red (causes baby puppies to commit suicide)
All of these drivers are stupid drivers. Yes, they’re stupid drivers. OK, so now that you know what I’m talking about I’ll ask that question again. You know how you want to tear out your hair when you’re stuck behind a stupid driver? Well guess what: through careful scientific analysis and research I have been able to pinpoint the exact source of all stupid drivers. This has never been done before!
All hypermilers are stupid drivers
Hypermiling requires driving like an idiot. It involves things like accelerating very very slowly, avoiding stopping/starting, taking 25mph turns at 50mph, driving on the shoulder during rain, and turning your engine on and off while in motion! Well, that nails 3/4 of the examples I mentioned above. It probably nails the 4th one too, since turning right on red usually requires a somewhat speedy acceleration as to get into the flow of already moving cross traffic.
Aside from the obvious reasons that hypermilers are stupid drivers, let me touch on a reason that might not be so obvious. The reason these people drive like this is to save money on gas. It’s also done so you can brag about it, as I guarantee you there isn’t a single hypermiler who hasn’t blabbed about his fuel economy eliteness to all of his friends and family.
Let’s take an intermediate hypermiler who has increased gas mileage from 20 to 25 mpg. At $4 per gallon and an average of 300 miles driven a week, this hypermiler went from paying $240 to $192 per month for gas: a savings of about $50. You might be thinking to yourself, “wow, that’s not so bad – maybe I’ll try a few of these techniques and keep it on the downlow.” Not so fast, idiot head.
Did you not hear what the techniques are? They are A) illegal, B) really annoying, and C) bad for your car. Let’s look at the example of taking an off ramp at twice its 25mph posted speed limit. In Indiana, speeding at 25 or more miles over the speed limit is reckless driving, so there’s some fun possible jail time for you. Also, if you’re so concerned about saving a dime, think about the unnecessary strain you’re putting on your car, such as the steering column, axles, wheels, tires, and nuts & bolts that generally hold your car together. One turn taken too fast isn’t going to do anything (unless maybe if you own a Dodge). But a thousand tire-squealing double-speed interstate exit ramps is definitely going to take significant life off your car. Was it worth the money, genius?
One last thought, and this is the most important one to me personally. We spend an average of 5 years and 5 months driving during our lifetime. You could spend that 5.4 years relaxed, listening to some tunes, driving with the flow of traffic, and not being stressed. Or you could spend it drifting through four-way stops and almost side swiping vehicles that have the right-of-way, getting to work late because you do zero to 60 in 14 minutes, and causing your passengers nausea every time you take an exit ramp.
Choose want you want, but I’m considering my $50 per month the price for comfort and ease on the road (as much as can be attained). You can spend the $50 you saved on medication for your stress-induced ulcer.
And know this: I’ve seen a lot of angry, angry regular drivers who are stuck behind stupid drivers. The minute they catch wind of the concept of hypermilers and are able to put a face to their hatred, you better hope your car still knows how to accelerate quickly.
First.
Epic post. I feel better reading it.
Wow. . brilliant. . .absolutely brilliant. . . I love you. . .
That was a fantastic article. A co-worker of mine, after I described this phenomenon to her, stated that almost all drivers in India are “hypermilers.” Maybe they are just trying to save money while making their way to work at the DELL call center!
Remind me to never, ever go to India. Or call Dell support.
Dell computers suck, period. So are Indian tech support.
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yeah hypermilers make fun of regular drivers for sucking up to much gas but you know what? at least we drive better than they do and driving normally is more fun than driving as fast as a lawn mower. hypermiler=people who forget what driving is all about in the first place. good article 10 out of 10.
[...] we are not hypermilers. Just altering our driving habits a little bit to help ease the rising cost of [...]
Why hypermilers don’t know it all, at least they are making an attempt to save gas, as long as they don’t go anal about it.
They can spend the money saved on new starters.
It kills me when i see/hear morons shutting off and restarting their engines at a light.
Gas is $2.20/gal for premium at the moment.
I get 17 mpg.
Who cares?
Then you can suck on some oil sheik's dick!