Top Fiver: Blacklisted Films

Posted on 13. Nov, 2007 by The Gimcracker in Beratings, Movies, Top Fivers

I may get myself in trouble with this one. I’m just gonna put it out there, if you don’t like it feel free to send it right back my way via the comments.

These are my current all-time least favorite movies, thus they have been etched into the annals of The Blacklist. And let me tell you, it’s a very dark place down there. It’s darker’n a black steer’s tookus on a moonless prairie night.

I’ve seen terrible movies without plots, acting, or any sort of direction. I’ve watched wretched films that annoy the living h e double pixie sticks out of me. I’ve feasted my eyes upon utterly offensive flicks that were designed to do just that: offend. But we’re talking lower than that.

Imagine the worst movie you’ve ever seen, and then take that movie and replace the dialog with Chinese, the soundtrack with the constant squeak of a rusty shopping cart wheel, the lead actress with Angelina Jolie, and the director with Satan.

Even that film would blow the following list of pure garish bilge out of the water.

Keep in mind, these are the worst five movies A) that I’ve seen, B) that I remember, and C) that I actually suffered through until the credits rolled, or until my DVD player mutilated the disc and regurgitated it directly into a local garbage incinerator for me. Gooood DVD player. Wanna go outside? Come on boy!

Now you see the world I’ve created and hopelessly trapped myself in. Prepare yourself for my Top Five Most Horrible Blacklisted Films:

5. Serving Sarah

[Editor's note: thanks for the spelling correction, Brad. I've decided to leave it spelled wrong because it's such a piece of crap.]

This movie just plain depressed me. More than the actually movie, I remember the despair I felt as I was leaving the theater. Despair. I wondered if I’d ever see another good movie. It’s like they completely stopped trying three quarters of the way through the film. There are a number of factors at play here. For one thing, I believe this is when Matthew Perry was at the height of his drug/alcohol problems. Also, I believe they abruptly ended production and shipped it off before it was really done. I remember reading something about that but I don’t feel like researching it so just take my word for it.

Why it’s not the absolute worst: I don’t think it ever took itself too seriously; it wasn’t trying as hard as some of these other pieces of rubbish. That, however, does not excuse the fact that they duped us into paying eight bucks to spend two hours of our precious time crying in front of a tremendous screen when we’re supposed to be laughing.

The Berating: (what’s a Berating?)
Acting – 2 beratings
Plot – 2 beratings
Inconsistencies – I don’t remember
Unbelievable Events – I don’t care
Schematics – 2 beratings

I’m tacking on 2 more beratings for intangibles, such as the level of despair this movie causes.

Recommended Investment = Watch it purely for spousal points

0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

I can’t believe this movie only got an 8/10 Berating. I thought for sure all the films on this Top Fiver would be well into the 9 to 10 margin. I have no explanation and am at a loss of words for this phenomenon.

4. A Knight’s Tale

You know how sometimes someone does something and everyone in the room tries not to notice because it was so awkward? Like if someone walks in all happy and everything’s going great for them, but then they trip and fall down and roll for a little while, and then they finally stop rolling and try to get up but they have to throw up a little first because they’re dizzy, and then they finally make it back up on their feet and they manage to smile and pretend like it didn’t happen and look around the room to see if anyone saw them, and you’re trying desperately to look away and pretend you were busy with something else? That’s how I felt throughout A Knight’s Tale.

It’s like someone went to Medieval Times and saw some jousting, and then they thought, “Let’s make a film full of slow motion jousting, put it in the Middle Ages, and set it to modern rock music – that’ll get ‘em!” Well it didn’t get me. It was the most awkward, clumsy, absurd, unrealistic, unfunny, terribly directed, horribly acted movie I had seen at the time. (Heath Ledger should be deported to a country he’s never even been to)

Why it’s not the absolute worst: Paul Bettany was in it, and he wasn’t half bad in A Beautiful Mind. It’s like finding a nickel in a pile of raw sewage.

The Berating:
Acting – 1.5 beratings
Plot – 2 beratings
Inconsistencies – 2 beratings
Unbelievable Events – 2 beratings
Schematics – 2 beratings

Recommended Investment = Never watch it

0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

3. Gone In 60 Seconds

I’ll keep this one brief. A 1967 Mustang GT500 cannot jump 500 feet onto a bridge and remain in immaculate condition. It would blow up and vaporize and turn into dust and become the topsoil for future trees and plants.

If you agree with me, then you know what kind of a movie this was and I can just spare us the gory details. If you’re still shaky, I will point out that this movie employed the worst actress in the entire history of time and space, Angelina Jolie. She’s never been in a good movie. Ever. If you don’t believe me, look at this.

Why it’s not the absolute worst: It should have been, but unbelievably there are at least two (2) other films out there that are worse. I guess it did have lot’s of eye candy, and that has some value (see my Berating of Transformers)

The Berating:
Acting – 2 beratings
Plot – 2 beratings
Inconsistencies – 2 beratings
Unbelievable Events – 2 beratings
Schematics – 2 beratings

Recommended Investment = Buy it and publicly destroy it

0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

Before I go any further, I have to present a visual aid to help establish the absolutely gargantuan mountain of pure sinful debauchery and utter garbage the final two entries on this Top Fiver represent.

Behold, the pie chart of doom:

I didn’t want you to accidentally ruin the surprise, so I’m making you scroll down…

and down….

and down…

…almost as far down as these films deserve to be buried below a public landfill…

…closer…

…no wait, seriously please don’t leave my blog. I’m sorry. The next one will be it, I promise…

…the NEXT one…

…and we’ve arrived. Buckle your safety belt and thicken your skin.

2. Any Given Sunday

This movie makes Gone In 60 Seconds look like an Oscar winner. I think only a tenth of the film was in focus. The rest was the worst camera work and Oliver Stone directing ever, chalk full of scenes that were one big blur. I’m serious, a big blur. Not because you couldn’t remember them, but because they seemed to have added some camera effect that literally blurred the screen so you couldn’t see what was going on. That’s apparently what a director does if he doesn’t want to spend any money or time on special effects.

Cameron Diaz and Al Pacino don’t act in this movie. They just appear on screen and yell and scream at the top of their lungs. Cameron Diaz makes me want to study for 7 years to become a doctor and get my degree and then my residency and finally start a family practice and move to California and become her doctor so that one day when she comes in for a regular checkup I can calmly slip her into a drug-induced coma for a long enough amount of time that when she wakes up she is too old to act or talk or move.

Oh, and there’s male genitalia present during a locker room scene at least once. It’s disgusting and unholy.

In summary, if you could extract the residue from the lungs of a homeless man who’s smoked for 40 years, mix that with discarded surgical waste from an emergency room operation in Nigeria, and burn the mixture inside the rotting carcass of a disease-ridden cow, the remaining useless chunk of matter lying before you would somewhat resemble the script for Any Given Sunday.

Why it’s not the absolute worst: there can’t be two worsts. That’s the only reason.

The Berating:
Acting – 2 beratings
Plot – 2 beratings
Inconsistencies – 2 beratings
Unbelievable Events – 2 beratings
Schematics – 2 beratings

Recommended Investment = Buy it and publicly destroy it

0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

And now, the worst movie of all time, and number one on my Top Fiver for Most Horrible Blacklisted Films Ever:

1. Tomb Raider

ERROR

Why it’s not the absolute worst: ERROR

The Berating:
Acting – ERROR
Plot – ERROR
Inconsistencies – ERROR
Unbelievable Events – ERROR
Schematics – ERROR

Recommended Investment = ERROR

0/10 Stand in line for the very first showing
1/10 See it the first weekend
2/10 See it at full price
3/10 See it at the Five-Buck-Club
4/10 See it at the dollar-fifty
5/10 See it OnDemand
6/10 Rent it from Blockbuster
7/10 Watch it on TV
8/10 Watch it purely for spousal points
9/10 Never watch it
10/10 Buy it and publicly destroy it

I don’t know what happened, I just blacked out. What was I blogging about? Who am I? Why are there ERRORS everywhere? Did I finish the Top Fiver yet? Confused… scared… alone.

114CommentsTop+Fiver%3A+Blacklisted+Films2007-11-13+16%3A27%3A47The+Gimcracker to “Top Fiver: Blacklisted Films”

Chris 13 November 2007 at 1:02 pm #

Wow, those movies are all like… middle of the road for me. I mean, they weren’t nearly as terrible as “Monster House” or “Delta Farce” or “300″ or “Ghost Rider” or “The Day After Tomorrow”… Ok, there’s my top five all time worst movies I’ve seen… in the last year (but not in that order).

Do you remember going to see “A Knights Tale” for someone’s birthday based on my rousing endorsement of “It Wasn’t Terrible… I’d watch it again…”? I felt really dumb when everyone emerged from the theater absolutely hating it. I still think I’d watch it again, but only because it’s possibly the only movie I know of that has jousting… and jousting is cool… Even if the movie sucked else-wise…

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B 13 November 2007 at 1:21 pm #

That’s hilarious, I didn’t know other people hated that movie with me. Yeah, those are all pretty bad movies ESPECIALLY Ghost Rider. OMG Blech!

I’m sure there’s a lot of movies that are worse out there, I’ve just probably not gone to see most of them because I knew they were going to suck (i.e. Monster House, Delta Farce, The Day After Tomorrow, Tomb Raider 2, pretty much any other movie based off of a video game).

300 wasn’t too bad. I mean if you’re talking wholesome or edifying or family-friendly it was terrible, but that’s just one category. I thought it had a good plot (it was based on an historical event right?), camera work, effects, music, awe-inspiring conflict. The plot may not have been too deep or complex, but overall it was just Braveheart in ancient Greece.

I guess it depends on how many points you dock a movie for being filled with trashy scenes, no matter how good the movie is other-wise.

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Bradjward 13 November 2007 at 1:41 pm #

You hate #5 so much, you didn’t even spell it right. That’s downright hatred. You know Sara hates being called Sarah.

Yeah, these all pretty much suck. No disagreements here. However, if you were stupid enough to go to “Real Cancun” with 20 people in college like me, it would be at the top of your list. Only movie I ever walked out of.

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jonathan 13 November 2007 at 2:11 pm #

That was possibly one of the funniest things I’ve read in quite a long time.

It’s been a very long day at work. Thanks for giving me a break to laugh my face off (even though I was trying not to laugh *too* loud and attract attention).

Wow. I needed that.

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Shark 14 November 2007 at 11:04 am #

Completely disagree with you on Any Given Sunday… the only one on your list that I’ve seen (the others were marked “avoid” as soon as I saw the trailers). That may not have been a great film, but it was a good one. Thought it kept a nice level of tension and the camera/effects stuff is just Stone’s style. The male genitalia was crude and unnecessary, I’ll agree with you there.

I would say that his “U-turn” was a far worse example of that style gone wrong.

I would put “Batman and Robin” on the list for bad, bad , bad.

Another interesting list idea might be movies that received critical and general acceptance, but that were really crap. I would put “Fight Club,” “The Usual Suspects”, Dream Girls and the “Big Lebowski” on such a list.I thought they were all utter crap but they were revered by others and in some cases won oscars.So what the hell do I know!

Reply
B 14 November 2007 at 11:27 am #

Haven’t seen U-turn, but I remember the previews and decided not to see it. Batman and Robin was entertaining and funny, but I agree that it was a lousy all around film. I would put it in my top 100 worst films, but I wouldn’t blacklist it. It was on the other day and I watched it for a bit just for the all-star cast and the stupid one-liners.

I would never watch a second of a film on my blacklist. It’s hard for me to even write about them (I couldn’t do it for Tomb Raider).

As for the movies you say are crap: I can’t believe you listed those. Three of them are three of my favorite movies, and one of them (The Big Lebowski) is on my Top Five Most Re-watchable Films list. You can’t knock the Coen Brothers, they are master storytellers.

Fight Club was such a unique, amazing movie, as was The Usual Suspects. I’m beginning to think you have something against plot twists, because each of those movies has one of the greatest plot twists I’ve ever seen.

That being said, I love your list idea: movies that received critical and general acceptance, but were really crap. I’ve thought about doing that before. Even though our lists might differ significantly, it’s a great idea. Think about Pearl Harbor, Ghost Rider, The Hulk, Troy, Alexander… yuck.

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Chris 15 November 2007 at 6:53 am #

I think Alexander was one of the only movies I’ve ever walked out of. As soon as the dudes kissed, I was like “I’m out!”. Seriously, who wants to see that? Plus it seemed like the whole movie revolved around him deciding to be gay. Plus I was with my mom, wife and (at the time, little) sister, and I KNEW they didn’t want to/shouldn’t see that crap.

You could also do a “most evil” movies top fiver. Put “The Ninth Gate” on the list. When I saw that in the theater THE FILM REEL MELTED IN FRONT OF OUR EYES. They had to cut and tape the non-melted parts back together. Either David Lashbrook or Matt Trent saw it with me, and we sat there quivering looking at the white screen. The whole theater was full of people, but dead silent. No one even moved for like 3 minutes. Then the film started back up to finally come to it’s horrible conclusion. At which point all watchers slothed out of there like some sort of zombies. As if part of our brains had melted from horror with the film.

Another good top fiver would be “uncomfortable movies to watch with another guy”. Matt Trent and I went to see “What Women Want” together. What do you say to another dude at the end of a chick flick that you both went to see *together*? At one point in the movie, I began to feel awkward that we were sitting without a seat between us. We almost hatched a plan to leave at separate times and pretend we didn’t know each other until we got to the car…

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Elisha 16 November 2007 at 2:43 pm #

Hilarious & entertaining post. Even when you’re NOT bored and are sitting in a coffee shop on Sanibel Island. (I just said all that to make you people jealous.)
The first worst movie I ever saw, back in the early 80s and with the Trents (ask Fr. Z about it sometime), was Quest for Fire. Utterly horrid. There were no spoken words in the whole movie, just a lot of pre-evolution animal-like sub-humans running around looking for fire and doing such things as…never mind. That was the first time it occurred to me (unfortunately too late) that I could actually get up and walk out of a movie.
Chris, a big “yup” on Alexander. Fortunately we all had the sense to walk out on that one.
Most offensive movie that I didn’t walk out on (why oh why not???): Borat. Though clever and entertaining, we found it unspeakably offensive (speaking of unnecessary and just completely wrong male nudity).

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